http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/ en Copyright 2008 Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:04:58 +0800 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Popularity. That was the word that decorated in Verdana the full length of the first A3-sized board of preparatory work, mostly because I thought it a clever and convenient thing to do, "look that's one board down, only six more to go!" You might call it a sculpture installation even though I did not know what to call it at the time, not that it mattered since I never was quite able to speak about my work to anyone. The sculpture was formed of two dull gray mechanical arms standing a couple of metres apart rising out of the ground, one shooting straight up to about eye level griping onto a sphere with its three-pronged claws, another bent away from the other at its base and elbow joint in a gentle angle such that it seemed reaching out for another identical sphere, suspended inches away in nothingness by a fishing line. I built this thing out of odd pieces of recycled and found materials - wood panel and foam board with nuts and bolts for the claws, cardboard tubes and dismantled bits of past students' works like a metal stand and a wheel hub to form the central structure, some acrylic and spray paint, sand, white glue, and two plastic inflated balls the kind that children play with. It was a strange yet fresh undertaking because up to that point, most of what I ever did was draw. I would come into the studio for Drawing & Painting exams and draw something I had thought up the night before even though we would get three weeks to develop ideas, or I remember one time in third year, draw the whitewashed motorcycle which was the centrepiece of our massive still-life set up - the then realistic manner which I rendered it led to much attention and also became the thing my fellow art students came to remember me for, I probably secretly enjoyed this a lot because finally here was something I was good at after embarrassingly failing all my other classes and being good for nothing in one of the top-ranked schools of the country. I started on the project rather late, in August when it should have been April, perhaps only consulting my tutor thrice on what I wanted to do. I am sure he was perplexed and worried, but he would later comment to another tutor that I was very independent going about my work; systematically sawing, sanding, painting, drilling and building my odd contraption. I enjoyed this freedom, though I probably abused it more than I ever did embrace it. We got to choose our day for class, which corresponded with a specific tutor, of which there were three. So Friday afternoons I would stay for art class, the best class ever because it meant a late lunch with friends in an almost-empty refractory, walking into class with drink in hand, breaks as you liked it, jokes, and drawing. At times there would be rules enforced and work demanded or a lesson proper, but even then it was nothing like Elementary Mathematics whose quadratic equations I could still not do by third year. I remember we once had an ex-student come in, who had moved on to studying at Art Center or CalArts or some such fancy place in the United States because he was drawing shiny concept cars with markers, and that left a deep impression on me - it was like watching Feng Zhu work and talk about his work in first person. Although I called it the first, I would not call it my favourite piece of work. For one thing I don't think I was ever very clear about what I wanted to say through it. Popularity really should have been Exploitation of The Desire for Popularity or I Do Not Understand Why Everybody Buys this Popular Shit or Sometimes I am Glad I am Not Popular, though I admit the original does carry with it a certain simplistic, ironic, sardonic charm. I might have had too much to say; at one point the installation was to include a weaving, twisting, repeating stream of rectangular possibly acrylic panels sandwiching the spheres, as it were, to symbolise a kind of basic contrast in shape and thus nature in this flow of life. The spheres represented in a sea of bad ideas good ones being snatched up and sucked dry and essentially sold out by some unseen corporate machine - as such they were also meant to glow with an alluring radiance. I did not possess the time, ingenuity or resources to create such a mass of objects but the idea stayed the same, I came up with the rationale that ideas are unseen anyway, and they are within us, perhaps the audience or the people walking about observing this scene before them, just as blind and oblivious as in the real world to what happens to ideas on a grand scale. Some people might choose to call this bullshit-rationalisation and that is fine because frankly I do not care anymore. I was certainly proud that last night we slaved to beat the midnight chime to finish our works in the new gallery on the fourth floor; proud that I had managed to accomplish this thing which I never thought I would and how it actually managed to look pretty fine and mean something at the same time. Things seem simple those years ago, I am almost amazed now of having ever thought of creating such a piece of work, also at the rest of the cohort with their other abstract installations comprising of tree trunk sections, dismantled car interiors, blown-up colour-in covers of Time magazine, giant bee drawings with dead leaves, surrealist illustration on unused projection-screen and papier-mâché fist-sized cocoons. The environment encouraged a very hands-on, non-painting (yet focusing on drawing in first year and design concepts in the second), non-traditional approach to art, and although I did not realise this until I was in junior college where I had received a culture shock of sorts, it formed the conditions which taught me to explore the possibilities of expression through art. As I await to begin a next phase in my life, I am thinking and maybe hoping that this environment which I have chosen will allow me to make yet more discoveries, that I will do all I can to not have to regret it.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/07/years_ago.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/07/years_ago.html Heart acs(i) art future hiatus past personal popularity words Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:04:58 +0800 Sum (Click to expand) ]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/01/the_memories_they_carry.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/01/the_memories_they_carry.html Film Heart home personal photography reflective Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:52:04 +0800 not entitled to such views, or that my struggle needs more noticing (though it often feels like it does), but I'm just saying, and this shouldn't be surprising if you know me in some extent, that I am bitter over more sentimental, personal, and intricate trivialities, which do indeed seem trivial to many. I am not harbouring hatred for this person I've had the unpleasant opportunity to work with or cursing that person who's made me do things I hate doing just because I'm set for so much more, I'm not talking about bitterness in the way you may understand it to mean self-absorbed anger. I'm talking about malcontent that stems from a true waste of time with relation to something specific. I like to think that I actually have in my possession something, a skill, like a little plant which was for the most part simply kept locked up in an old cluttered drawer not to see the light of the sun or be watered or allowed to grow. I had and still have no desire in manipulating this sprout for celebrated purposes like wealth multiplication, and I disagree with the need for me, or anybody who also disagreed, to be forced essentially at gun-point (pick your weapon, bread and butter or rather the absence of it works too), to protect everything else that is intended for the proliferation of economy. It's ironic then that I've spent a larger part of this month and a half soaking in procrastination, ennui and outright laziness, be it due to overbearing inertia or a continued self-pitying jadedness towards this gap cut into my existence. I don't think this hole proved a total waste of my time, I don't think I haven't learnt anything, I certainly don't think I haven't grown in any way. But sometimes, in this time, it feels like that little plant has withered away, and I find myself lost as to what to do with it, or even what it can still do for me.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/01/sowed_sparingly.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2008/01/sowed_sparingly.html Heart System jaded national service reflective singapore Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:50:08 +0800 Harbor Raid Photoshop CS2 (Click to expand) Popularity contests aren't the type of things I'm most comfortable taking part in, partly because they require a certain manner of shameless self-promoting which I have never been good at, and also present the void in definable merit which thus usually results from them. But perhaps for validation, exposure, recognition, and the chance to win a brand spanking new computer, I have inadvertently participated in one. Voting for the ModDB Concept Art Competition has opened, though I've been about a week late to garner votes for my work (above) due to practical and personal reasons. Just so this does not come across as overwhelmingly self-absorbed, I've included eleven progress shots for good measure: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. There is also something else I've taken part in for approximately the same reasons - discounting the prospect of physical reward - and has not been decided by popular vote (or maybe just the populous of a circle of people in a meeting room). I was hesitant to go at it last year in my belligerence, but I think it's time to throw childish pride away and just see Noise Singapore as an opportunity. Unless I've been led to believe otherwise, my work At its Dawn, will be displayed at its showcase at The Heeren Shops from this Friday (that's the 7th) till sometime late in December, along with a few other digital painting and photography works on the website. And on an entirely different note which seems not to deserve its own post... I realised I need to stop pretending, here at least, that everything is fine with me and my life as I come around once a month or so posting well-veiled and construed thoughts, because in actuality, they are not. I have learnt, arguable if for better or worse, that I cannot and should not be throwing my emotions widely and wildly about based wholly on the notion of given freedom on the Internet, and should instead let my words reflect the person I really am because they are in the end, read by people who really are. I have never been good with being open and honest with my feelings in front of others, save perhaps anger, so it seems, even if it paints me as cold structured and clinical, that this works better for everyone including myself if just to save the trouble of explanation at the expense of perceived closeness. I am just sharing this realisation in hope that it becomes apparent that although this blog represents me, it hardly represents all of me, me at all times, or me for all time.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/12/contesting_notions.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/12/contesting_notions.html Brush art competitions dawn of victory digital art personal Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:47:57 +0800 And We March On Photoshop CS2 (Click to expand) If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/11/exit_unobserved.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/11/exit_unobserved.html Brush art digital art national service speedpaint Mon, 05 Nov 2007 16:05:08 +0800 It's strange, and refreshing always to find that people get something out of visiting this space. As I receive the odd email, comment or private message once a blue moon or so, it's easy to discard these sentiments, rather believing that while encouraging and sincere, such responses, let alone visitors, are but a minority which passes along with the same blue moon. Sometimes though, while in the ownership of a clearer mind I'd realise how demeaning it is to undervalue these opinions, as well as my ability to garner them. Yet clarity drops by in short spans punctuated by painfully long absences, so I have grown to neglect the possibility that there are people that care, and paragraphs of introspection as this rarely manifest. While it is noted that there are people who indeed care, it becomes almost imperative to ask why I do this - draw, paint, shoot, and write. Sometimes I'm led to believe that it's done to get attention because, it sure feels good to be noticed and appreciated. But that's just a byproduct; I can't, or rather I wouldn't want to think myself superficial enough to be wholly motivated by something so self-serving. Indeed that goes against the very reasons I give and the struggles I face in creating art. So considering the expressive nature of art, I probably do it - this - simply, to communicate, and to share. It could come consciously or subconsciously, though mostly only when out of the pits, and yes, when possessing clarity. It's just life's wont clutter of questions regarding self-worth, adequacy, existentialism and whatnot which inadvertently present the hindrance to this want for sharing. I've avoided a for the past months from posting (here, there have surely been other avenues of outlet) about my life in national service due exactly to this clutter. There's no peace to be found riding on the waves of anger, and believe me there is a lot of it. But that's a whole other matter really. It is my hope that the absence of thought will disappear for a long while, and with it, my absence from here. http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/11/in_and_on_the_absence.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/11/in_and_on_the_absence.html Heart absence personal reflective Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:54:50 +0800 An update of sorts is probably due here as we move into the month of September, and as I move into the final stretch of military serfdom. It's actually rather amusing that this site is still getting past 100 hits a day in light of its inactivity, though something tells me that a large proportion of that is coming from ad and spam bots scouring Google Images. I guess one thing I really want to write about is that in recent months, I've finally committed myself to attending church again. I mention this not to preach a great occurrence or anything, because understand that I am constantly struggling with my faith and believe I am in no position to do so, but rather I mention this because I feel it has been effecting a profound impact on me as a human being - on how I view life and its myriad intricacies, its ups and downs, people around me, my work, and God - and I feel it wouldn't do the progression of this blog or my art justice by avoiding this fact of my life. I've by no means experienced a miraculous-explosively-spiritual about-turn, and I probably haven't changed much at all in word and action; I still sin, I'm still a jerk from time to time, I still give people my shit, I still am judgmental, I still utter profanities abundantly, I still don't read the Bible all that much, and I still find it impossibly hard to love. But this community, fellowship, and simply receiving of the word, love and grace, taking it step by step, have provided for an increasing clarity in thought and understanding in increasing frequency, that I may even possess such awareness now to type this out. I find that amidst all this defining of my faith and yearning to feel Christ, and looking for the right words, I have surrounded myself with things to remind me of the fruitful pursuit, from music to art to people, and even though I still fall in and out of bitterness, anger and all that destroys, there is for once a feeling of hope. It's helped immensely to make it easier to stay out of the trap of feeling inadequate, to focus my ideas in an objective though not necessarily productive manner (and it doesn't bother me as much anymore that I don't do much in my weekends), to not think about death, to go to sleep free from pain, and simply to let go. http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/09/in_darkness_a_light_shine.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/09/in_darkness_a_light_shine.html Heart god personal reflective Sun, 02 Sep 2007 22:41:02 +0800 Baybeats 2007 was quite a blast. Although I still think my first visit in 2004 was the most enjoyable, this year was definitely better than last year in most regards, with exception to the general commercialisation creeping into the festival, which brought new and terrible little things like over-trippy student emcees who obviously knew nothing about Baybeats, live gigs, moshing, or the people who participate in these things. Something also should have been done to scheduling to make up for the double distance we had to walk between the two arenas (since after tearing down the outdoor theatre they've built a large stage just beside the Esplanade Bridge, and interestingly, on a slope) because this new arrangement meant that unless you wanted to forgo listening to the last couple of songs for one band's set, you'd have to miss the first couple of another's (apparently the emcees were also somehow unaware that there were two venues, either that or they were actively trying to mislead people, cue lame NDP preview crowd coaxing) With most acts playing just five to six numbers depending on length, this was quite an unacceptable compromise. Regardless of that, I did manage to check out a good number of bands on my two nights, most notable being The Lovesong (anything to do with Whence He Came and Hong Kong at the same time must be something good), B-quartet, Blindside, The Fire Fight (promising bunch they are, don't think we've had a good pop rock band made up of people this young and talented yet) , Bismuth, TooKoo, Intone, Everybody Loves Irene, The City on Film and Giants Must Fall. And you are right in thinking that there must be pictures too because surely you didn't expect me to be dissecting the intricacies of live indie rock performances in musical terms. Deux Mille Sept (Click to expand) Would've posted more but as the title suggests, my principle philosophy towards "serious" photography does not quite suffice and for a few bands the pictures captured turned out to be little or nothing good (A Vacant Affair, Aloha, Bismuth et cetera). Still I was rather pleased with how many of the shots came out, perhaps after further honing my sensitivity towards the relationship between the shutter and f-stop, and the purchase of a zoom lens, I'll try to get my hands on a backstage pass next year! Perhaps.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/08/its_mostly_luck.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/08/its_mostly_luck.html Film baybeats esplanade gigs photography Mon, 06 Aug 2007 16:50:50 +0800 At its Dawn some months back (my does time fly!), it was an attempt to sort of reverse engineer a world from a game. Yet the guys at Tiberian Dawn, which claim the piece as their foremost inspiration, seem to have missed the point completely, and are just making another typical C&C1 to C&C3 mod. The world is big, a game is small. It is this relationship which usually results in developers and designers summarizing a larger picture, especially so if the game is based on real-world events and subjects, into something much more compact, comprehensive and representative due to the limits imposed by human nature (attention span, information capacity, ability to micro-manage and multi-task etc) and general social, scientific and technological development (personal growth, pop culture shifts, geopolitical polarization, better graphics processors, smarter operating systems etc). When it was released in 1995, the original Command & Conquer reflected this very much - we could be talking about sound, graphics, gameplay, video, skill, depth, and they were all limited in their ways - yet there were aspects which proved to be endearing, be it the spirit of the game as influenced by its content material, a certain dark humour, or the storytelling methods employed. I believe that we have had enough advancement in benchmarks and boundaries which should have resulted in more liberty being taken by ways of not just nostalgic rehashing and reinterpreting of old concepts, but refreshing them in a manner that truly reflects the limits (or a lack thereof) which we now face in 2007. Just as how a FPS game developer would not include every weapon to be found in the world in his game, neither would the RTS developer in his right mind include every military tactic or environmental dynamic in his game, even if he could, because it is simply too tedious and abundant with overlapping redundancy in light of the purpose of creating a game. In most cases he only puts in what he deems necessary for his game to be enjoyable and challenging when the player is presented with scenarios and objectives. Yet we can be sure that the Tiberium story is so much larger than what the games themselves presented, regardless of whether this belief had originated from our imagination or that of Westwood Studios, because obviously there are ideas which have survived far longer than the on-screen pixel. This was what I hoped to demonstrate with the painting - injecting little things that add richness and believability to a fictional world, building upon said game's setting as a platform for commentary and exposition. So I fail to see why are we, as fans, modders, and people, still harping on the same old game "icons" with childish furore, Medium Tanks, Recon Bikes and Flame Tanks, when instead with our intellect and maturity can be transpiring what fictional organisations like the Brotherhood of Nod and Global Defense Initiative stood for, and make a fresh and interesting game out of that? Just choose an adjective, any word, to describe a faction, and you can do a thousand things with that. I think we are ready in this day and age to make games which properly dissertate broader issues - morality, politics, religion, environment, education. This is why I'm really dissatisfied with Tiberium Wars, not because it's an ass-ugly, horribly unplayable game (which it isn't, by the way), but because it could've been so much more, it's as if EALA was oblivious to the insult of intelligence sent to itself and its fans. Electronic Arts used to have "challenge everything" as its corporate motto - despite it not being reflected in most of the games it developed or published - would it hurt for a studio which claims to want to do the best for the franchise, to even attempt challenging the limits, and be somewhat innovative outside of the by-now usual graphical overhauls or superficial "gameplay improvements"? But back to the Tiberian Dawn mod, I don't blame them really, they are entitled to making a mod any way they like (isn't that the whole point of modding a game?) and I cannot expect them to think and see things the way I do. And of course, because they are making a mod, they're at liberty to alter and edit things when and where they need to as they go along. Neither am I suggesting that there is no room for games that do not take themselves seriously (because there are plenty of bad ones that take themselves too seriously). Perhaps it is just part of growth that has had me changing expectations, perhaps I have truly outgrown this community and medium, and maybe certain going-ons in my life have left me craving for more intelligent interaction in the games I play. But does not everyone grow? Are we to forever remain stagnant, stuck in the same perspective towards electronic gaming and game development as some misogynist, pubescent, violent pastime? This past week, Derelict Studios went bust due to internal dispute - for a short time, and seems will be back soon - but somehow I didn't feel a thing; not distressed, not worried nor relieved, despite not being there to see it happen. I've been so desensitised and distanced from everything, in fact I don't even do any real modding these days save for making visualisation and conceptualisation work for a couple other mods elsewhere, that it grew into a place more stifling than motivating, especially with the slow forming hierarchy that made working especially stressful in a way it never should have been. I think when dealing with such work, environment is important, and so are the relationships one forms with the people in that structure, these two factors kind of fall on each other for a team to create something truly good. And that's something, I feel, the collective has lost over the past couple of years. ]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/07/this_is_what_gaming_shoul.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/07/this_is_what_gaming_shoul.html Match c&c derelict studios games mods tiberian dawn tiberium wars Sun, 29 Jul 2007 14:15:14 +0800 Respite (Click to expand)]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/07/why_youd_want_to_live_her.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/07/why_youd_want_to_live_her.html Brush art random sketches Sun, 01 Jul 2007 20:08:09 +0800 Godwin's Space Photoshop CS2 (Click to expand) There's a complete domain redesign in the works right now, every page will get a new look (which you can preview in the above presentation), and everything is expected to go live in a couple weeks' time. Update 7:43pm: I've upgraded MT to version 3.35 and reintroduced commenting in light of the more powerful anti-spam system it's offering, so do post something, if anything, just to test it out. I know there's an ugly template here right now, but it's necessary for the new elements like tags to kick in first; I'll be designing a new layout around this and it'll be pushed out together with the rest of the site's new pages.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/soon_is_a_long.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/soon_is_a_long.html Brush art painting web design Sun, 10 Jun 2007 10:15:12 +0800 Wake Me Up (Click to expand) It was a mind-blowing show last night, Copeland's set was simply beautiful, and Anberlin couldn't have been more contrasting, totally rocking out the Glass Pavillion of Far East Square. The prepubescent scenesters were a slight turnoff, but props to everyone who had a part to play in organising the gig.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/eat_sleep_repea.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/eat_sleep_repea.html Film anberlin copeland gigs photography Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:35:32 +0800 life happened. There's nothing much to say really, with regards to this site, I'm still figuring out the new direction to take it towards, mostly the idea's to get it sounding more professional and structured; less chaotic and personal - not in the sense of tone, but of whatever-I-did-today-and-why-I-was-so-pissed posts. Well that's probably not news since I've been been taking to such a stance for the past year or so, but I just want to totally cut off the overtly emotional, pretensive waxing lyrical shit to get some credibility around here. I reckon given the nature of this medium, not everyone needs or wants this honesty. Nothing much to say about life either, it just doesn't feel very different even as I move into my third decade. Still pretty torn over choices, or the lack of choices, in further education, been in and out of numerous stages of depression, defeatism, skepticism and ineptitude due partly to that. But I'm going to refrain from writing more about it for reasons listed in the previous paragraph. Work, well technically what I'm enlisted to do is work, still pretty much sucks, but at least it's coming down to six months by the end of this week. Broken promises, unpleasant surprises, unjustifiable injustice, prevailing discordance. What's new really? But it represents all this pent up anger so I'm really not going to try if there's no way I can talk about it without a hint of belligerence? I guess that pretty much leaves Art in a safe corner. Depending on how you want to look at it. I will certainly post some when I do feel like it, but for now there's really nothing, unsurprisingly also due to what I've been going through. And frankly, I'm too damn excited about the Anberlin+Copeland gig tonight so until that time when I actually have meaningful thoughts to share, God bless everyone.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/they_lied_when.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/06/they_lied_when.html Heart personal reflective Sun, 03 Jun 2007 14:45:33 +0800 Futility Photoshop CS2 (Click to expand) There is a certain futility in work one eventually observes on the ground. In a conscripted armed force, people from all walks of life come into play, but not everyone will do their part. Understandably one's hard work could easily be turned into another's entertainment, convenience or even promotion. So then what is the point of doing one's best? I likened it to a potter having his work destroyed upon completion, with a myriad other things happening at the same time - differing agendas, methods and attitudes - any faith previously placed in the concept of meritocracy is slowly ground to dust. This, along with 5 older works will be shown this Saturday at the opening of NYJC's new art gallery, which coincides with her 30th anniversary celebrations. Trust me when I say the A2 prints (yes I got to keep one) look way better.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/04/futility.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/04/futility.html Brush art digital art national service singapore Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:48:43 +0800 Quarteryear (Click to enlarge) All except the first are sketches made in the past quarter year or so. The last one consists of people from a magazine and the rest were drawn from life. Yes even the Peak one, and yes I almost froze my head off with the 10 degree winds coming straight up my face. Pardon the crude method I employed to hold the pages stationary for I do not have three hands. Been listening a lot to The Observatory's A Far Cry From Here, which I picked up at their NUS Arts Festival gig two weeks back. It's quite a departure in terms of sound from their previous albums, which becomes very apparent if you listen back to back to Time of Rebirth; the new album sounds a lot rawer, and much more rock-oriented to say the least, but still fresh with experimentation yet retaining wonderful melodies, lyrics and that mix of soft and loudness that still work great in a live show. At the end of that gig I genuinely felt that the band, exuding so much dedication and passion, was truly among the best of Singapore. Ironic then that this album seems to deal quite a bit with the dilemma of "getting away", I can relate to that, it seems there are things to be gained just by standing your ground and being humble about it.]]> http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/04/no_use_telling.html http://godwin.ralert.net/blog/archives/2007/04/no_use_telling.html Brush art music personal sketches the observatory Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:23:03 +0800