So we've been out for over a month and a half. Whatever you want to call it, serfdom, jail, rot, torture, total waste of time, I think most of us bear the same rightfully negative sentiments. Disregarding overlaps, what differs are the experiences, no two can say they've had the same complete one (if they do they're probably mistaken in thinking so), and neither does anyone walk away from these two years with the same things, or amount of things, in their hands and on their minds. Thus the reasons or roots for such negativity generally differs, for when I say "waste of time", I am not as bitter as the man who thinks the government has stolen his youth that was meant to have been spent in glee and importance in a reputable and expensive university elsewhere, or the man who thinks his livelihood or path to such has been endangered and possibly destroyed. Not that they are not entitled to such views, or that my struggle needs more noticing (though it often feels like it does), but I'm just saying, and this shouldn't be surprising if you know me in some extent, that I am bitter over more sentimental, personal, and intricate trivialities, which do indeed seem trivial to many. I am not harbouring hatred for this person I've had the unpleasant opportunity to work with or cursing that person who's made me do things I hate doing just because I'm set for so much more, I'm not talking about bitterness in the way you may understand it to mean self-absorbed anger. I'm talking about malcontent that stems from a true waste of time with relation to something specific. I like to think that I actually have in my possession something, a skill, like a little plant which was for the most part simply kept locked up in an old cluttered drawer not to see the light of the sun or be watered or allowed to grow. I had and still have no desire in manipulating this sprout for celebrated purposes like wealth multiplication, and I disagree with the need for me, or anybody who also disagreed, to be forced essentially at gun-point (pick your weapon, bread and butter or rather the absence of it works too), to protect everything else that is intended for the proliferation of economy. It's ironic then that I've spent a larger part of this month and a half soaking in procrastination, ennui and outright laziness, be it due to overbearing inertia or a continued self-pitying jadedness towards this gap cut into my existence. I don't think this hole proved a total waste of my time, I don't think I haven't learnt anything, I certainly don't think I haven't grown in any way. But sometimes, in this time, it feels like that little plant has withered away, and I find myself lost as to what to do with it, or even what it can still do for me.

Back from three days of field ops deployment at - I'm not sure if I'm allowed to disclose the location, so I'll just say it's in the western part of Singapore - (which happens to coincide with the International Monetary Fund and World Bank meet here), did just about nothing that amounted to sentry duty and sleeping. Definitely boring stuff but it also at the same time felt like some twisted manifestation of a vacation - the horizon beyond the sea that brings wind, brilliant lights and serene quiet paradoxically placed amidst a deadly polluting metallic and artificial landscape - I wouldn't deny that it sure was good to get some time away from the scripted mundane of everyday, just maybe not with the whole not bathing for three days thing.

Speaking of the IMF/WB meet, I don't have as many comments on it as I have on the Singapore 2006 campaign, which I shall straightly say is a national censorship programme. If Singapore were all that wonderful, there wouldn't be any need to put up this show to the world. Telling people to smile implies that we don't. Designated protest areas and road closures implies people can't be trusted. I'm not alluding that we are either naturally, but there aren't wholes and you can't see the world in black and white. It isn't censoring of words or opinions, but what this country and what life breathing through it in actuality is. Rightly so, because Singapore, economically, has matured much quicker than it has societally, and we do require a certain kind of guidance to watch over our growth. Yet doesn't that also mean we won't be ready to handle things which those in governance imagine and dress ourselves up to be? There wouldn't be so much complaining over so-called foreign talent or fussing over dignitaries and delegates if there weren't so much focus placed upon our differences - ie. as opposed to our similarities. If we learned to see things beyond dollars, borders, and melanin, we may not need to embark on nonsensical campaigns to cover up our own shortcomings in a run to praise those which we place our aspirations and contracts in, because that then would truly signal the maturing of a people.

Updated and edited some points on 220906 because I didn't have the time to do so in the original post, which is archived below.

Happy People
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

You could draw links to the "four million smiles campaign", but that was not at all my original intention. The existence of said campaign though serves well as a transparent showcase of the fake things inherent in our society.

What's been happening for the past two and a half weeks is that I've been learning to get acquainted with the armoured vehicle which I'm tasked to operate. Apart from rather clear discontent with how things are still being run in the armed forces, it's been fine for the most part. In this time I've passed relatively simple tests on vehicle handling, safety regulations, and mechanical maintenance; and completed my cross-country driving phase. Two more weeks of public road driving and it's graduation to my parent unit for full-time operational service.

Well there's nothing much more going on with my life right now, and I've learned to not be overly bothered by that. Being able to stay-out offers some solace and serves as a reminder that I'm still human afterall; time to think and reflect on how we live life and reasons for why things turn out the way they are. Yet slowly but surely it feels like the system is consuming us. Perhaps some don't mind since they don't feel threatened to protect any differing ideals, but it's dangerous because it is brainwashing in effect. You quickly forget that there are things which you don't want to do due to the attached personal ramifications for not doing them, and you're told that that is your duty. I don't think I'll change my opinion of NS anytime soon.

I figured, it actually isn't all that bad even if I don't make it out of this country. Just like how there's no effective political opposition, the real problem lies in that everyone is ignorantly agreeable, apathetic or conformist and those who truly care and discern are part of a minority or are not even in this land. Perhaps this experience will shape me as a person who would find new meaning in life and have more focused ideas in expression and dissemination through art. Perhaps it's better to be facing and challenging the problem rather than running away. Yet perhaps again that has been tried and failed. Whatever it is, in most probability time will tell.

Freedom of speech
Freedom of worship
Freedom from want
Freedom from fear

How much of each do we have?

After receiving a little "lecture" tonight coupled with some "reflections" - as if I couldn't understate more - I returned home late, tired and mostly angry once again with a jumbled bunch of thoughts. Their unorganised placement should not remove or lessen any importance they may carry.

-Isn't discipline instilled through fear merely cowardice? Isn't motivation much better and more easily garnered from true respect?

-One cannot entrust blindly and then turn around to blame the other party for a failure in trust.

-Words which engage your morals for the purpose of triggering false guilt are cheap and vile.

-Benefits should never be handed out in expectation of payment.

-You might as well be a circus animal if you'd willingly submit yourself to absolute control by man.

-We would be advancing for nothing if those tasked to defend progress are the very ones holding it down; the yearning and nostalgia for "the old days" which purportedly trained better soldiers will definitely spell the downfall of our armed forces and national defense on a whole.

-There is obvious discontent and bias with the institutional core value of "care for soldiers" as it is both despised by those from the old camp and also abused by others in the new; even though one cannot over-generalise on the line of division besides the neutral, its existence cannot be denied.

-The clear distinction between NSmen and NSFs should be enough to illustrate a failure in the system. The transformation they go through after ORD must bear certain relation to the experiences they've had during service. So why stick to the old ways and continue producing such reservists? Why too should we be something else when that's where we'd be in a couple of years' time?

-Unjustifiable ineffectualities are to be found in every hierarchial organisation, same goes for power-pushing, bootlicking, and egomaniacal behaviour.

-The invisible arms race we're engaged in will explode one day, and there must be certain doubt in a deterrent force which focuses on offensive doctrines.

-Life was never meant to be a happy trip. Context defines experience, it is what you take away from each day which makes you what you are in the next.

-In the end, it is only God who will judge.

The contention over National Service isn't so much whether it is necessary, but rather is the fact that it subdues basic human choice. It is the epitome of state control; to change a man, put him in his place and tell him what he is. It is essential to the process of nation-building, and in some cases, essential to securing a strong workforce. No doubt certain smaller countries need conscription to aid in their total defence, but the dangers, or rather tradeoffs are far too great to be written off simply by a concept as abstract and unexplained as duty. That's the principle which supposedly guides motivation, but is it reflected by practices on the ground? The danger with most services is how pictures are painted as so imposing, so threatening and so necessary. It eventually consumes he who is within. It destroys the countryman's will thereafter. Because of the opposition within a person that arises from his right to choose being taken away, orders if not carried out often have to be coupled with intimidation. A constant state of alertness means a constant state of fear for the citizen soldier. If not him, who will defend the country? Regulars revel in their authority, powers not to be found if not for laws justified under duty. Yet how could one force another to protect that which he does not find worth protecting? How could one then punish him for not doing that which he was forced to do to begin with?

There is no other way to look at this, I personally pity those who give their lives blindly.

So I was wrong, we get to stay out even though we're on course. There was a choice given - to weigh freedom and inconvenience against ristriction and solidarity. In the end sense found its way to me, that after just six months into service, any time spent outside of the institution is time well spent. There's really no point being so garang (gung-ho) when you didn't even want to be in the position which you are, especially when you learn the true reasons for your drawing of a monthly combat allowance. It's obvious they intimidate and entice us just for the purpose of garnering loyalty, and a false loyalty based on fear that is. No one should be subjected to such a life, all the freedom we get in years past were for nothing, we're thrown into the cage regardless, controlled, ordered, disciplined. Histories erased, personalities lost, dreams burnt. A facade. No, I will not fight and die for this country when she needs me because I was not born into a democratic society built on justice and equality. The very thing which claims to be our protection is the biggest contradiction to what we base our existence upon. The very fact that it has forced me into a path which I do not subscribe to is testament to its nature as a state of pretension. And I can not and will not live with that. But that's for another time, there's no choice but to carry on.

It seems like one is almost obliged to tell others of how it went, not least because of how big the A level examinations are. Regardless, let's just say it's messed up - and that's no exaggeration, in fact I'd even think it's underrating and euphemistic to describe it as such. Some think I'm only lying to myself just to create some sort of defeatist atmosphere, as if it were humbling; writing it off as nonsense, but as the one who wrote my own answers, I'd think I know exactly what I'm saying. Others speak of forgetting the past and looking forward, and that is probably perhaps the best route always, though not the easiest, but life wasn't meant to be without trials.

As if not wanting to fall into that pit, the rat-race we're all obliged to participate in, I tell myself that any such failure doesn't matter, that it is a matter of perspective, and nothing matters if I don't mind. It certainly is true, but like so many other things it is much easier said than done. Perspective matters a great deal, but in the real world to simply belong to the majority (or to have the power to overturn an opinion) ususally makes you right anyway, living in itself then becomes a real albeit oft hidden struggle. Perhaps you don't feel it because you are comfortable where you stand - in the majority. You could just go about your daily life, worrying about trvialities, and that's actually all well and good. But when you can't hold on to your own ideals regardless of age or any artificial means of categorization, what is the point of this freedom that we supposedly regard so highly? When they begin to encroach on those other values you hold dear, perhaps on the colour of your skin, or the God you worship, simply because they can or simply because they outnumber you or find you a threat, it'll become apparent how it is all the same thing.

I think this failure that everyone fears so much has taught and forced me to look at the world differently - especially so as the world grows increasingly to look at things the same way. I suppose ignorance would truly be bliss as I'd frankly be glad to not have to think about such things. Perhaps I'm really just reacting and finding an outlet for all of my inadequacies and disability to cope with life. Perhaps so, and you can label me strange, anti-social, or crazy even, but it is a world of perspectives afterall. In all seriousness, I believe in what I have thus said, because is there no truth to be found in it? You would have truly been a success story of this system if you think I have to share your beliefs in order to be right.

Weakness is highly subjective, like good and evil. It exists in a state of competition, in comparison; for one to be weak, there must one which is strong. Are modern incompetencies weaknesses? Who dictates these criteria of judgement? Does majority make right? What purpose does this labelling serve? So many questions, so few answers.

The world is indeed ruthless, but all that was never actually far from my mind. It's then apparent perhaps, that this was and is all but a reaction towards personal weakness.

I am well aware of many shortcomings on my part, but I have no wish to belong to any association, clique, or establishment to cover up these so-called weaknesses. These groups still exist within their own world of disillusionment, hold their own prejudices, and lay out their laws. Weakness and strength is just measured using different rulers. Perhaps I'm one too idealistic for this world, but whoever made that something wrong too?

If I die, does it matter? That's a fact of life, ironically. But if I fail, does it matter? Why does it matter? Isn't it strange that survival, success and strength is still rated so highly in the supposed developed world of mankind. It simply went past the corporeal to the imaginary. And believe it, it is imaginary because you definitely will not find death from failing at writing some words to be judged weak or strong by someone.

Of course, if I were confident of making through what lay ahead, why would I talk about such things? However if you're wondering that now, you would've missed my point completely.

I've already skipped two art paper2 practice sessions, well one was because I was genuinely sick, and the other was me being sick of it. Don't know if I should skip the next one this Wednesday, which will also be the last. I still think what I need to focus on is the idea development than skills, and I also don't think the teachers have put enough emphasis on that area. Really, what's the point of painting if you have nothing to paint?

I've realised that formal education (in Singapore at the very least) is really quite pointless. And what's all this about freedom when we're all within another framework of control... it's like the Matrix really if you think about it, yeah I watched Reloaded again for I think the 10th time.

Take a hawker for example, or a cleaner, it is rather common to have such a mode of livelihood be seen as undesirable, and I'm speaking besides the fact that they are more physical and menial and "unskilled" in nature. What is it that creates such a mindset? You only have to look at the "solutions" which are being introduced today to "redesign" these jobs because of structural unemployment to find the answer. Re-education. Upgrading. Re-training. It's rather clear why such jobs are deemed fit only for "uneducated" or "under-educated" people, if you were a degree-holder, obviously you'd want to use that qualification in a worthwhile manner, it's basically like getting the returns from your (parents') investment. Nothing exactly wrong with that anyway, it's just market forces in action, but isn't it trivialising the whole agenda of getting an education? Join the dots yourself, what are we doing here? On the road to getting degrees of course. So the purpose of education, ie going to school and working so hard for those exams = to get jobs so you don't starve to death.
Is education then still a transfer of knowledge and ideas from one to another?

On one hand it most certainly is, I can't deny that I've learnt things through my years in school and a lot of it was enjoyable, but on the other hand, the purpose of it all has been reduced to such superficiality I doubt that there's really any real knowledge being learnt anyway because of the general lack of interest in everything taught today. It doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not because that's not what you're rewarded for, it is formulaic, rigid and structured and you have to do things a certain way (how else are you to grade something? That is why there's also an issue against academic art) to get what you want. Fair enough considering that "what you want" is that qualification which will get you the job so you wouldn't starve to death. However even though it's so obvious that these processes are all gearing you up for the working world, more often than not a lot of the things taught have nothing to do with your future daily life. There's a massive mismatch between means and end here, it's as if they recognise the fact that education has to remain in essence about the acquisition of knowledge - for I don't know, self betterment perhaps - yet it is all being shoved down your throat, albeit usually self-forced because of the results that come attached with this "education".

Back to the hawker then, the kind of paper qualifications he has really doesn't say anything about the kind of person he is, he could be the kindest soul who loves cooking and has great interest in astronomy or Chinese literature yet hold only an 'O' level cert, sure that means he's not fit for a certain kind of job but it wouldn't mean he's stupid or uneducated. One can see how much control money and this economy has over our lives, do we even know who's steering it and where we're headed?

Yes, you probably know it already, nothing new; it's not that I didn't know any of this before, it's just become so clear to me in the last year how absurd it all is, and I really don't know anymore if I want to have a part in it. Don't you think it's dangerous, although in a funny way, that it's 11 days to my exams and I'm thinking such thoughts?

Decadent Progression
Photoshop 7 & CS2
GCE "A" Level Art Coursework
(Click to enlarge)

In his endless pursuit of progress, man has built around him a Machine. It is a construction of utmost magnificence, but though man is its operator, subsistence, and champion, he relishes in the success of his own creation and becomes a slave to it, bound in perpetuity to its artificial nature of necessity. This is not some fantasy vision of a future world, it is right here and now, all around us – the Machine is an archetype of the world that chases after money mindlessly. Just what is this economic betterment we all strive for? Bigger homes, brighter children, healthier lives – everything in the definition of a modern society is tied down to the concept of money, so much so that it is ingrained within us all that such a “reality” is the true purpose of life. From the point we are "mouldable", lives are planned, expected and demanded as mere assets and investments towards the greater advancement of humanity. We become blindly driven by those around us and even ourselves to succeed within the framework of this Machine, expending all strength, emotion and commitment to ensure its eventual continuation.

Framed and hung

For those that are sick of this, I assure you this is the last you'll see of it because it is finished and marked.

In his endless pursuit of progress, man has built around him a machine, it is a magnificent construction, but even though man is its operator, subsistence, and champion, he relishes in the success of his own creation and becomes a slave to it, bound in perpetuity to its newfound nature of necessity. This is not some fantasy vision of a future world, it is right here and now, all around us. The machine is an archetype of the world chasing after money mindlessly, just what is this economic betterment we all strive for? Bigger homes; brighter children; healthier lives – everything in the definition of modern society is tied down to the concept of money, so much so that it is ingrained within us all that such a “reality” is the true purpose of life. From the point we are "mouldable"; from birth, lives are planned, expected and demanded as mere assets and investments towards the greater advancement of humanity. We become blindly driven by those around us and eventually even ourselves to succeed within the framework of this machine, expending all strength, emotion and commitment to ensure its eventual continuation.

It's bloody scary in all frankness. You know, the Internet and the whole thing about blogs has actually allowed people to express themselves on a whole new level, from good to bad, everyday to extraordinary, personal to political, it tends to bring out the real person under the skin due to the (misconception of the) anonymous nature of the medium. I think the government is taking this the wrong way, now not only will lots of people be even more unhappy with its policies, but those harbouring similar hateful sentiments will be driven even deeper underground. So are those who have been willing to voice their opinions - whether simply to vent or to propagate hate - automatically worse off than those who keep everything locked in, perhaps even in search of an opportunity to bring that hate to another level? I don't want to get into the whole lack-of-democracy political debate, what I actually fear most (see link above) is the vagueness of this act, I have no problem with racists and haters being charged since I agree wholly that it's just wrong, same with anarchism and terrorism and the other evils of man but really, what is "sedition"?

Seditious tendency.
3. —(1) A seditious tendency is a tendency —
(a) to bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the Government;

(b) to excite the citizens of Singapore or the residents in Singapore to attempt to procure in Singapore, the alteration, otherwise than by lawful means, of any matter as by law established;

(c) to bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the administration of justice in Singapore;

(d) to raise discontent or disaffection amongst the citizens of Singapore or the residents in Singapore;

(e) to promote feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races or classes of the population of Singapore.

(2) Notwithstanding subsection (1), any act, speech, words, publication or other thing shall not be deemed to be seditious by reason only that it has a tendency —

(a) to show that the Government has been misled or mistaken in any of its measures;

(b) to point out errors or defects in the Government or the Constitution as by law established or in legislation or in the administration of justice with a view to the remedying of such errors or defects;

(c) to persuade the citizens of Singapore or the residents in Singapore to attempt to procure by lawful means the alteration of any matter in Singapore; or

(d) to point out, with a view to their removal, any matters producing or having a tendency to produce feelings of ill-will and enmity between different races or classes of the population of Singapore,

if such act, speech, words, publication or other thing has not otherwise in fact a seditious tendency.

(3) For the purpose of proving the commission of any offence under this Act, the intention of the person charged at the time he did or attempted to do or made any preparation to do or conspired with any person to do any act or uttered any seditious words or printed, published, sold, offered for sale, distributed, reproduced or imported any publication or did any other thing shall be deemed to be irrelevant if in fact such act had, or would, if done, have had, or such words, publication or thing had a seditious tendency.

Extract from Source

So where is the line between section 1 and 2 drawn? Is "excite" an antonym of "persuade"? I mean, given the complexities and certain inadequencies in language, interpretations of "hate" or simply "pointing something out" in a grey article (that is, not belonging to the extremes) could change completely with every reader, couldn't it? Also, as I've pointed out a couple of days back is the matter of popularity. If something of equal magnitude of hate (if there's even a way to measure it) doesn't catch the attention of anyone, would it simply be left alone?

I guess it's time for me to write a disclaimer heh. Well, regardless I shall put my faith in God, that He'll give me the wisdom and guidance to not say anything stupid or wrong - and mind you, not what will be wrong to this country's laws, but what's wrong in His eyes, because the Word is afterall, above all.

I have no idea what I'm doing, everyone's studying like crazy, and me? Heh I guess I'm destined for doom, but who really cares (it's rhetorical, so please don't say, "me"), all they can do is show contempt at me and what happens after that? Life goes on.

I know you all think I have a very warped view of the world, probably even delusional to many. But have you ever really thought about it; wondered why? Why do we live like this? Why should I just be a tool in the production line of greater progress? Is this life? Really?

Blah blah blah there's more to it YES I KNOW, so why do we need this redundant purpose? Why must we, from birth to death, be reminded that we need cash cash cash to survive? Yes it's a common denominator created so that you won't have to worry about a dozen different forms of sustenance and whatnot, I've never denied that, but I DO NOT want to live with the constant fear that I will not make it, this fear will sooner or later manifest into something greater, a monster will take over and you will believe that it is essential, when in all truth it isn't. I do not want to live being intimidated by life itself, life is not about competition, not about money, not about fame or fortune...

So you say there's no way out.

Would I have to first succeed in this system in order to fight it? But when it is this success and proven usefulness of it to the greater economy that drives its very existence, do you have any credibility? Yet if you fail, the results are the same isn't it? BUT you would've taken the first step in showing that it does not work. If you are still able to live and not merely breathe and find fulfillment from that life, you would've proven that the system is flawed to the core.
Obviously this is why people would think I'm crazy, am I convinced enough by my own ideals to try it out? Would abandoning such seeming lunacy be deemed succumbing to the darkness or turning round to the right path?

Why do I even think about such things? Don't I have better things to do? Can anyone tell me in all frankness, that you do not think about things outside of school, social trends, pop culture, games, girls (or boys), and whatever it is you do?

I've had people tell me that the system is there, and it is naive to think that you can fight it, and stupid to think that anything good will come out of it. I ought to simply live life to the fullest, make the most of what you have and whatever the rest of it was. And you know what? I can't. Right now, "making the most" means STUDYING. And would you want to take a look at what I'm studying? You'll go, "Oooh Godwin thinks he's so special he doesn't need to study what 30,000 other kids his age are studying!" but whatever, don't tell me you like studying. Also note the recurring word study. Study study study, for what reason!? Do you even LEARN anything from any of it? I rest my case, really, continue on your path, I'll find my own way out of this labyrinth.

I ought to stop bothering about all the big things in life, not that there is anything significant going on in mine, but just look at the kind of content I post around here. I feel so much conflict in so many ways. What to do how to do what to say what to think why to do when to say how to say when to think. There's this set of ideas, then there is this other set. It's so hard to even put all of this in words, and I don't even know why I want to do it. Every action I make has a counteraction, behind every ideal a doubt, after every thought another voice.

We are living a lie as slaves to the system. You paint too bleak and cynical a picture of the world. But that's just the truth, isn't the world a cage we built for ourselves? A mould for our children and all to come? A model of life and living such that everything will continually progress? Perhaps so, but that's reality and nothing you do can or will change anything, that is just wishful, destructive, naive thinking. But I'm not saying we turn back the clock, I'm not silly enough to think that. But you, you're locked in your own world, pursuing things you made up yourself, as if it is gratifying to drop a note and pick it up and keep it as though it wasn't yours. You can't be more of a hypocrite, what about your Art and whatever it is, didn't man come up with that too? You just don't like whatever you don't agree with, and in this case, you're afraid you cannot survive in the real world, and you're plain lazy to make sure you can, so you find excuses; masquerading behind an artificially noble cause. It's not the same. The love for money is the root of all evil. I don't care or mind if you do things out of conviction and dedication, be it painting, writing, singing, anything. But everything in the world today has a pricetag to it, when you start living for the money, there's something wrong with you. So what do you suggest to all these people with seemingly no talent or passion for something, what other worth is there in their lives? When this is the reality of life, what other way is there to live? Your mind is twisted and skewed, snap out of it. But all your terms, monickers, lexicons, stereotypes, labels, it is in your nature. Whoever doesn't agree with the norm is abnormal and not fit for society. If that is what it takes, so be it. You're out of your mind. So are you.

Is this life? To go through it simply to, be it successfully or unsuccessfully, find out what it is about?

See what I mean when I spoke of the content I post around here? I'm going crazy.

Isn't it sad when your teacher understands you better than your own parents?

Last Friday, while chatting after lunch, I was suddenly asked by Isaac, "do you hate your parents?" Sure it was in a jokingly manner since Marv was complaining of the angst and anger in so many teens today, and how he loved his parents and couldn't understand why "so many kids hated theirs". I don't doubt him, I know it's wrong to hate your own parents, but I was stumped, seriously.
A true moral dilemma - do you say the truth? Or the right thing? Frankly, I have no idea what "love" means, I don't think I've ever done anything to show "love" for my parents, or anyone for that matter, I just don't feel right doing it, as if it's not natural.

Yet do I hate them? Does anyone - any teenager - truly hate? Moreover their parents? I don't think so, but what I hate is how we can't talk normally, it's not just because I'm a teen, or going through some phase, it's real and there and happens on a daily basis. Me and my parents, we never had a relationship like that of friends, where we can talk just about anything. It's the generation gap, the completely opposing viewpoint on life, the language barrier. I'm sure it's the same for many others. And I absolutely hate all of it, I especially hate how they had to judge me completely differently the moment they found out that I got two Fs and an E.

So what?

Am I really blinded and lost in my own world of impossible dreams? Is it childish impulse to fight a system that cannot be removed, even when my intention is just to get a chance to live life the way I want to? Inexperienced? Myopic? Idealist? Am I just digging my own deep grave, slowly but surely? So what? Sometimes I just wished if I weren't a son of somebody, there won't be any expectations for me to "succeed". Because success is overrated.

Closing walls and ticking clocks.

Have you ever wondered, when you fail a subject in school, especially at JC level, what exactly are you failing at?

Well I have, and my conclusion is quite simple: nothing. Nothing other than the subject itself that is, nothing other than this whole A level thing. Just think about it, you're not failing at being a human being, you're not failing at values or ethics, you're not failing at life per se, you're just failing to make the grade; the grade put there to judge you, to judge whether you are fit to serve this society.

You must be wondering now then, so what am I doing here if I disagree so much with it? Well I've asked myself that a lot too, it's become quite confusing, and I have doubted my sanity several times before, is there really any truth in pursuing such an ideal? I don't think it is just an excuse for laziness or such "unproductive" behaviour, if you really think about it, there's nothing much to it than what I have described above. I don't want to live life doing things I don't like, doing things which do not benefit me as a person, yet it's such a great dilemma, 15 years in this country have definitely imbued in me some sort of urge or tendency to conform and the inevitability to be beat down by competition and comparison. As much as I complain, I fall back in, fighting the daily routine, following the crowd through everything. It's probably a blessing to be born and raised in this country, yes it's safe and stable and everything, but you'll never be truly happy unless you're blind.

Come out upon my seas, cursed missed opportunities

I'm not asking for time to be reversed, because it is precisely my experience which has made me what I am today. I'm only asking that I'll gain the courage to really do what I want to do in days to come, that I'll stand up for my ideas in the face of anything, and to speak. Noble? That's not the point at all, because at the end of the day, to fight against the system would mean getting shunned by everyone who worships this system. Stupid? Perhaps, but I don't really care anymore, all these human manifestations, made-up complexities, senseless chasing, I don't live for them.

Is there a middle ground? Am I justified in taking such an extreme view? Surely you can live in such a world and find something you like doing? Yes of course, and I have an idea of what I want, I just need to get there but somehow I don't think this is the way. My purpose in fighting the system is not to bring in to its knees. My point is that it is inflexible and incapable of meeting human needs, rather than economic and social needs. It is already here, and isn't leaving anytime soon, like everything else we have to make the best of what we have, and all I'm suggesting is to live life true to your set of beliefs. I'm suggesting to break the barriers, break the facades, break the conventions, and just let people live, for real.

Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?

'Nuff said.

This has got to be the dumbest thing ever.

It's old news, but tell me it isn't stupid, oh my I'm laughing as I type this, no kidding!

I don't know if there's anything that epitomises this society any better, a competition? To blog? I guess some people just don't see how that absolutely hilarious that sounds. What makes it funnier is that there're actually people who're serious about it, I'm perplexed as to why. Ah Singapore, Singapore... always going on about results, achievement, and competition, what a sad life we lead, it's good if you enjoy it, but I cannot see myself living and working here for the rest of my life.

Looked around
What do I see?
These slaves
Yet what do I hear?
Are they mocking me?
That laughter, that cry
"We are all different"
That proclamation in unison
Ironies all around
And what do I do?
What would you do?
When the wave sweeps you under
When the crowd beckons
What could you do?
Nothing
Doesn't matter anymore
Not anymore

My project is about truth; not the relative Truth, but truthfulness in presentation. It is about contempt; for what the world has become. It is about resignation; to the fact that nothing could be changed. It is about revelation; of blindness in the ways we live.

It is about man. It's about his senselessness. It's about money. It's about his love for money. It's about evil.

It is about me. It is not just some issue I decided to tackle, like I said in the first line, I believe wholly in it. You cannot make art which you have no attachment to. Some said I should have added a more personal touch in it, but define that please. Does a piece of work need to feature your face, your body, in it to signify personal attachment?

It is about life. It's about the intangibles of life. It's about rejection of the material. I suppose creation via a digital medium only enhances that notion, the work is turned valueless due to its copiable nature, but that wouldn't ever change its meaning. Art is as much about the idea as it is about the product.

It is not about a grade. I am only concerned with Art when I do this.
It is about Art.

It's ironic that so many people - parents and friends - have commented about the length of my hair, yet no teacher, not the head of the Arts Faculty, Discipline Head, or even the Principal have said anything. Compassion or indifference? Regardless, my point is to question why is it that males have to keep short hair when females can really, do whatever they want with theirs, with many end up looking like crap anyway? Why is it that people of the same age studying in polytechnics and other institutions can do whatever they want to their hair - besides colouring? How many people; how many friends practice what they preach and not judge books by their covers? What does your outward appearance say about your inner-self? And how does society judge appearances?
Let's just say that I'm conducting an experiment to find these things out, and I don't really care what you think, I'm definitely not going to the barber until the end of next week.

J1s this year: cannot make it. Council nominees especially. But hey, like I care about such matters anyway; it's so frivilous, I don't know why anyone even bothers coming up with coherent questions to ask - if not to flaunt their so-called linguistic prowess which is totally out of place. I mean, give me a break, does anyone seriously expect any kind of leadership initiative to come out of them? It's an election, and that's a popularity contest, period. It's a CCA where you get to do stuff in a team and leadership environment, not some for-the-betterment-and-enforcement-of-student-rights-grand-party-organisation-thingamajig. Not to say I can do better, but that's just the way the system is, and that's why they signed up (that's not why they suck, it's because they're totally lacking in confidence and eloquence). I have three words which can address this whole issue easily (with a little thinking on the same frequency, of course): This is Singapore.
(or Nanyang, whichever you want, but I don't see a difference since the latter does actually give a good representation of the former)

Royston Tan came today at lunch break for some career guidance talk. Apart from the high probability that no student in JC would even think of pursuing a creative career like TV Commercial Directing (which is what he does for a living, apparently making being a film maker, shooting short films [art, really] doesn't make you money), it was all pretty cool, he's a funny guy. He spoke a little about his films, the industry, Q&A, and we watched a demo reel of his recent commercial projects and a new short film, Monkeylove (which exact meaning I'm still trying to figure out).

Also did some thinking, about my future. Is it wrong to not accept the world as it is? Must I be pressed into this mould like everyone else? Do I have to plan every step that I take, count every cent I have, control every dollar I spend?
Had some "life-skills lecture" during Econs Tutorial (as usual) and I'm once again convinced of the stupidity and superficiality of this world. Is money all that important? It seems every job for everyone out there is simply about advancing some ladder, be it corporate, or whatever. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for; for having a talent so that I can begin to have the choice to not think about such matters. I really hate it all, I just want to do what I like and I don't care what people think. I just want to lead a reasonably comfortable life and enjoy doing what I do for a living, that's all that matters.
Apparently everyone else thinks different, whatever then, to each his own.

That's practically everything that's worth mentioning today.

This was a fairly interesting read.

I also recently read some other stuff - nonsense - at sgforums which really amounted to racism and prejudice against Caucasian foreigners (ie. ang mohs). I simply cannot stand how some locals can proclaim pride in "Singlish" and how it is "Singaporeanism" when they couldn't even speak or write properly its original derivated form, English, and then go on to bash these people. Everything would be simpler if people could see beyond the skin of another person; so what if they're white? So what if they don't speak the localised form of English which you do? Would you, in turn, speak BBC English when you're in London? Talk about respecting one's culture and language...

Make no mistake however, my point here isn't that I'm a banana or whatever they call them these days (that whole thing about being yellow on the outside and white on the inside, ie hating Chinese - blah I don't even know why they have to use a term that judges skin colour rather than language), I don't hate (ethnic) Chinese or the language - even though I got a D7, but hey, no more of it for the rest of my life! Sorta - and I don't hate foreigners, I also do not hate Singlish. I just despise discrimination and stereotyping of any form. Yes that includes all the labels which ACS and its students have been given over the years, but that's another story altogether. Just for the record, I admire people who are confidently bilingual, seriously.

On Singlish itself, I find it disgusting that some people equate it to broken English. As the above article pointed out, there is actually a science to how certain terms can and should be used, it even becomes an art to blend such colloquial qualities as "lah" and "leh" with good, grammatically correct English. Somehow, that probably explains why I hate the cheenaness so prevalent in Nanyang, I cannot understand how people, after 11 years of education in English could still have problems with it. If the problem doesn't lie within themselves, it definitely has to be in the system, but again, I guess I'll leave ranting about that to another time.

Anyways, good week so far, GP is quite officially the only subject I passed for blocks, hurrah. Artist's block again, and I've got nothing to show for art tomorrow. Well, nothing yet at least.

Please pardon the bad grammar in this following quote from a forum I visit.

i am too old to believe in govt bullshit.... i dun give those old dying man a sh*t... in my pt of view, i wun die for a country which exploits every single cent of mine... why shd i die to keep those govt a**hole in the office in the 1st place??? my uncle's mp cant even fight for his 5 bucks ezylink deposit... n he cant even vote coz there is no opposition party... why shd i fight for the despot sitting over my head??? enslaving me and my son??? i m a free individual, i am never a property of any1 and any organisiation.

My Reply:

LMAO

you're funny....

What can I say? Typical disgruntled Singaporean. There are much better ways to proclaim your "individuality", one way would be to actually provide valid arguments against this government rather then base everything on "feeling" and hearsay. Speak for yourself, who's the one that's bullshitting? Enslaving you and your son? Despot in rule? No opposition party? Why don't you go read some news and consider living in say... Zimbabwe, because that sounds just like what you're describing.
I guess the question that this brings up is...what do you want in life? What importance is a mere five dollars in a card, if you don't value it, isn't it valueless? Are you now without a roof? Without an education? Without food? I am seriously laughing at what you've said, please, when you haven't even begun to understand the situations which millions of other people in this very world are in; plight of getting displaced, having your people massacred, having your country obliterated, having your farm razed, having your sister sold to the sex trade, or travelling squeezed into a container with 50 other people to a country 3000 miles away in hopes of a better life; I don't think your cries of injustice are justified at all. I mean, seriously, you even have internet access, I think that says enough.

What a fool.