white space, white noise

Sum
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So we've been out for over a month and a half. Whatever you want to call it, serfdom, jail, rot, torture, total waste of time, I think most of us bear the same rightfully negative sentiments. Disregarding overlaps, what differs are the experiences, no two can say they've had the same complete one (if they do they're probably mistaken in thinking so), and neither does anyone walk away from these two years with the same things, or amount of things, in their hands and on their minds. Thus the reasons or roots for such negativity generally differs, for when I say "waste of time", I am not as bitter as the man who thinks the government has stolen his youth that was meant to have been spent in glee and importance in a reputable and expensive university elsewhere, or the man who thinks his livelihood or path to such has been endangered and possibly destroyed. Not that they are not entitled to such views, or that my struggle needs more noticing (though it often feels like it does), but I'm just saying, and this shouldn't be surprising if you know me in some extent, that I am bitter over more sentimental, personal, and intricate trivialities, which do indeed seem trivial to many. I am not harbouring hatred for this person I've had the unpleasant opportunity to work with or cursing that person who's made me do things I hate doing just because I'm set for so much more, I'm not talking about bitterness in the way you may understand it to mean self-absorbed anger. I'm talking about malcontent that stems from a true waste of time with relation to something specific. I like to think that I actually have in my possession something, a skill, like a little plant which was for the most part simply kept locked up in an old cluttered drawer not to see the light of the sun or be watered or allowed to grow. I had and still have no desire in manipulating this sprout for celebrated purposes like wealth multiplication, and I disagree with the need for me, or anybody who also disagreed, to be forced essentially at gun-point (pick your weapon, bread and butter or rather the absence of it works too), to protect everything else that is intended for the proliferation of economy. It's ironic then that I've spent a larger part of this month and a half soaking in procrastination, ennui and outright laziness, be it due to overbearing inertia or a continued self-pitying jadedness towards this gap cut into my existence. I don't think this hole proved a total waste of my time, I don't think I haven't learnt anything, I certainly don't think I haven't grown in any way. But sometimes, in this time, it feels like that little plant has withered away, and I find myself lost as to what to do with it, or even what it can still do for me.