white space, white noise

Game of Life
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

Boh Tea Farm
Pen and marker on paper

Outside Bunk Five
Pen on paper

Non-routine
Pen on paper
Photoshop 7 paintover

(Click each to enlarge)

I'm not like them, I can't feel, and I can't love. Every once in a while, something, I don't know what, just something will make me feel like I wasn't born with the capacity to do so. That's why I don't particularly enjoy social interaction, that's why I don't go to church, that's also why I don't have a girlfriend and why I continuously feel insecure about friendships and everything which I think I will lose simply because I am who I am. I've been asked if I'm gay, and my reply is "hell no", and that is the simple truth. I don't understand why a guy has to be made to feel insecure about his sexuality just because he doesn't explicitly point out to everyone around him just who he fancies or what he desires. I'm not you, him, nor them, and we're all different. I don't not because I'm not interested, it's just my personality to not do the things you do, so cut me some slack and respect that. I don't because I don't have the personality to do so, and I'm fearful. I'm afraid of getting too close, because I don't want that, I don't want them to get the wrong idea; nor you to, nor me. If you wanted an answer, this is why. Don't treat me like them because I'm not them, I can't feel.

²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸ "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I took some time to update the links you see on the the right to include a whole lot more contemporary art, design and artist pages, as well as adding the music and band list. I've also rewritten the About page to read better.

Anyways *tunes back to reality* for those interested in my current job in the army, I'm basically attending a 5-week crash course on how to drive. For 3 weeks I'll be driving the Landrover, then later on the 3-ton truck. I've already passed my highway code test and gotten my provisional driving license so I should be going onto public roads by the later part of this week. Well, what else... yeah that's all really, it's just back and forth from one camp to another everyday for training, and it's really mentally draining - more so than physical because we don't do (or haven't done) any PT.

But you and I know that we're not masters of our own lives.

So many things that you want to do and say, but the opportunity slips away and it's a whole other scenario altogether. Yet who's to know what could've been? Who's to say what's best? Everything's good and bad at the same time.

I hate how I must think someone somewhere hates me. I don't know how to live anymore. Deceit and paranoia, sometimes I feel like I'd rather not have any friends - acquaintances. But then again I'd end up complaining about that too. It's impossible to appease me, even though I've never seeked appeasement. I don't even understand myself, so I don't expect much from others.

Don't know what I'm saying anymore. But it's still the same even if neither I or you understand.

Here I go back into the fray; had to keep reminding myself that I'm only one person, and there are thousands in this country going through the same things, if not even worse, with me everyday. Let's not forget either, the millions others around the world who have to suffer through life under unimaginable circumstances. Yet there are those who have made it through. I remind myself of these things, tell myself that it's nothing, it's just a little test of my strength, and that better things lay ahead. I can do it, and I will.