white space, white noise

It seems they never fail to piss me off. As if I don't already have enough with NS to trouble me, the deluge of pressing questions about university applications just keep flowing. It's excruciating and I'm drowning, all I want is just to have a nice meal with my family after a long day of shit, but no, even if out of pure concern, they just simply can't shut up. First comes what do you want to do in U?, then you need something to fall back on, followed by various too-often-spouted nonsense about the Dragon year competition. Yet when I express my determination in pursuing further studies in art, which would assume the nature of competition is less linear, it doesn't stop, how do you know if the college is good?, do you plan on going overseas? and but -insert local art college name-, is it recognised?, you better go find out... blah blah blah, so on and so forth. I just swallow my words with the food, I've given up on saying anything because it only brings on more, and I'm in absolutely no mood to answer questions which I'm not even asking myself.

Anyways I'll be gone again for about 2 months, and probably another 2 months after that due to NS commitments, I'm starting my driving course next week and it's gonna be the same shit as BMT, whole new unfamiliar faces, places, rules and regulations. Hopefully Battlefield 2 and GTA:San Andreas are not good indicators of the driving skill I may possess, and that everything would go smoothly. I'm feeling depressed again, the lack of social activity doesn't help, and neither does the above-described situation with Uni admissions.

So are they your dreams or mine anyway? I'm not applying to NUS, NTU or SMU and that's final. If they want so much for that degree which I have no interest in working for, as if it were still some status symbol as in some ten or twenty years ago, they might as well go get another son. This is what I'm doing with my life; at the end of my rope the only person other than myself whom I'm answerable to is God. If you have a problem with decisions I make whether wise or otherwise, it's just too bad because I don't actually give a damn what you think. I'll be grateful if you'd just leave me be and stop acting as if I know nothing or that you know everything. I can never understand all this hypocrisy, if you truly had faith and trust, what's there to fear in anything, even death? We are not invincible, but surely that doesn't mean we have to whimper and quiver with fright at the sight of every obstacle in life. I'm nowhere as devoted as some are, but how can't you see something as simple as this? Whatever for? Life and faith are two of the same for me, and I intend to keep the line undrawn.

Break
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Another week has come and gone, the guys who just enlisted have already gotten past their adjustment period and I'll be starting my driving lessons next week. Somehow it's easier to talk about pain and suffering when it's past and no longer on you, time also passes quicker and easier comparatively, perhaps we can then find comfort in knowing that at the end of everything, we will always have the chance to look back, most probably ending up thinking that it was worthwhile.

No matter what they say about National Service, no matter what they want us to think of it doesn't matter, at the end of the day it's all about doing whatever you're told to do. Well, coming to think of it, that's what our entire lives are about too.

Untitled
Photoshop 7
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Roadtrip
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More pictures, they're mostly cropped to what I thought were more interesting compositions.

Anyways, I've been at the Air Force School for two days already, don't quite know what to make of it. It's been boring, but at the same time interesting too, I'm definitely more interested in the things the Air Force does, how it's organised, its weapons, machines (needless to say because I've loved planes and fighters since I was a kid, aircraft identification? No problem) and people. Maybe due to the fact that it's a much smaller and specialised force than the Army, its personnel give me the impression that it's a more professional and qualified defense organisation. Perhaps I really won't be dumbed down during these two years, but we have yet to receive our unit postings, where we'll probably undergo training to be drivers.

And yeah did I mention that there're only 18 of us? All are A level/diploma holders, PES A/B, some BP, some attained IPPT Silver, and just about all of us have no idea why we ended up here, and up till now we still haven't seen what in the world a V200 (LAV-150 on my further investigation on teh intarweb) looks like. There're many varying rumours on what training would be like, some say slack, some say xiong, and then there's also the question of "if the ADWOs are operating the weapons, do drivers only drive?" Of course everyone hopes for the best - for something easy, - and that includes me, but one can never be too sure. But hey, looking on the bright side, there're no SOC or route marches for the RSAF, at least most of us could rejoice in that fact.

Brinchang from Cluny Lodge, close
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Brinchang from Cluny Lodge
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Brinchang, sunrise
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Brinchang, morning
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Pasar Malam, sunset
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One Way
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Tea Farm
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1. You are posted to AFS.
2. Your vocation is AFV DRIVER (V200).

Hmmm... Good or bad? Guess I'll find out soon. Don't know if this is the answer to my prayers for a (relatively) slack job, but just about everyone I know has been posted to either SISPEC or OCS.

Anyways I just got back yesterday night, will update on the trip (mostly pictures since it was rather uneventful) later on.

Citylines
Coloured pencil, pen, and marker on paper
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So what's been up in my life? Went to check out the briefings for A level students at Lasalle on Friday, definitely made me understand better the distinction between certain courses offered. I'll probably apply for Fine Arts since Graphic Design, I feel, is way too focused on industry preparation, and to be frank a lot of the works they showed (not Advertising Design, those were good) just weren't there stylistically, aesthetically and skills-wise.

Caught Munich yesterday, it's a pretty damn good action thriller on the whole because it explores a lot of the issues still relevant in today's context. And that's scary because it's a film set 30 years in the past, the same things are still ongoing today. The dynamics of exchange between governments, clandestine groups and their operations, the power of the press and mass media, which was evident throughout the film, the motivations of terrorists and conflicts within those who have to fight them, the cycle of violence created from revenge, and so on and so forth. I'm quite certain it's all deliberate anyway because firstly if it were a factual historical documentary with no relevance to anything, it wouldn't sell, secondly anyone who'd watched the film should notice the poignant closing shot of the film before the credits roll.

So, what else is there to talk about. Did almost nothing today other than paint, read, and fix up the gallery (it went down due to some minor discrepancies which arose after server maintenance, anyways I'll also be updating it in a moment), I seriously could get used to such a lifestyle, but there's no escaping the fact that I'm receiving my posting next Saturday. I hope it's not something like Guards, Infantry or SISPEC or... actually, anything in fact. I pray that I really can find strength somehow to get past these two years safely and simply, but the revelation from a Lasalle lecturer that her male students have gotten slack visual arts-related jobs in NS before doesn't make me feel any better because there's no chance that me, a PES B combat-fit soldier would be given a desk job. All thanks to the wonders of economic resource allocation.

Anyhow I'll be away in Malaysia for 3 days starting next Tuesday, and my block leave ends on the 20th. Not that it's a big surprise for me to be away, but just so you know.

Words
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Met up with some friends from college, dined, reminisced, chatted, chilled. I neither drink nor smoke, by the way. It was good to see them, to joke, to laugh, to hear and speak those few words. Just the simplest meeting at a simple venue with simple intentions.
All the best to those who've enlisted today or are enlisting this weekend.

Some tell me this, others tell me that. Amidst all the conflicting opinions I don't know what to do. I'm fine with what I got actually, and so are my parents. A for AEP with merit, D for History, O for Economics and B3 for GP. I've been told they're no good, especially with the O, but I feel nothing, just as I felt nothing when I received the slip. I'm sure this is due most to my overbearing apathy and ignorance, I simply can't be bothered to find out what I can do in the future. Still I tell others that I want to go to art school, yet I know not of where, when or how, I'm clueless about opportunities, application requirements, portfolio demands, costs of living, tuition fees, course specialisation, and whatever else everyone's worrying about. I really want to not be troubled by all this, but it's an existential crisis, am I digging my own grave just by doing nothing? Even after such reflection, I still sit here unmoved. Maybe I'm lazy too, I wouldn't deny that, but maybe it's because I realise that I'll be spending the next 2 years stagnant and dead. What difference does it make since either way you can't start doing anything until then.