white space, white noise

Range
Pen, pencil and marker on paper
Digitally recomposited and recoloured
(Click to expand)

Only because I think what they're doing is really cool, go take a look and buy the gorram t-shirts if you're living in Singapore.

National service is bound to change you. You will lose track of your hopes, dreams and ideals, you will forget what you really want, love, and feel; you will forget who you are and who you want to be, you will not know what time, what day of the month, or what month of the year it is because more often than not you are not required to; and that is the gist of being a soldier - you do not need to think, you just listen, follow, and execute. When these two years are up, you will suddenly find yourself in a void, not knowing what to think or where to place your next step.

It's the eve of Lunar New Year and I feel nothing, not to say I would feel something even if I were not an army recruit, but my point is that the occasion only highlights my realisation and predicament. How hard is it to put yourself fully into the shoes of someone you're told you have to be - to think, act and live like a soldier? Not very? But then how hard is it to do that and then realise you have to totally revert to your old life again after a couple of years? Can you even do that?

If there's anything I truly fear, it's that I would become so engrossed in all of this that I lose track of everything else I believe in. The scary thing is that I can already feel it happening, both on retrospect and also while observing my commanders, I am forgetting all the things I've said before, my promises, my philosophies in life, my faith. Maybe that's why I don't want to be in any leadership position, I do not want to sell or teach things which I do not believe in, I do not want to play a part in transforming lives in such a drastic - deceitful - manner.

I'll be back on Chinese New Year week. Range and field camp next week, it's supposed to be fun, but I shall wait and see.

In the meantime, if anyone's booking tickets for the KoC concert, you could do it for me too, the reason I uh... offered to help others buy
was because there's concession for NSFs (and students), but I have no credit/debit card so I guess we should forget about that. Of course plan B is to ask my parents or brother, but I might as well ask everyone at the same time since the price is the same. Okay whatever, why can't they just have one price, and since when have I become so damn calculative? Interesting, I think the tickets will be sold out by next week, given that the "best seats" now are on level 4. Gah, think I won't be going anyway.

Kings of Convenience in Singapore.

I am so going. Though of course, I might not be able to make it, given that I POP on 7 March and this thing falls on 16 March which just so happens to be a weekday (why???), I should be well on my way to my vocation already, or would I? Ah whatever, act first, think later. Anyone else going or wants to go? Now, to find someone who has a credit card...

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

I'm scared of screwing up, very scared. I keep fretting over what could go wrong, and just breathe a sigh of relief after every training phase passes without incident. I don't want to spend more time than I have to in the army, who wants to? So I worry, I live in fear, I try to be alert, try not to break under pressure, try to appease people, try to be friendly, try to do things right, try to do things fast, try to be a soldier. But it's all fake, all fake. You're not protecting the country, all purpose is purposeless, nothing here is what it seems, it's all a farce. All that's keeping me alive, all that's keeping me from breaking, keeping me from losing it all is my faith in God. I know all of this is temporary, I know it counts for nothing, so I'm just praying I'll pass through it fine, that it'll be over before I know it. Yet it's a torture to live like this everyday, awaiting what may happen, thinking about the future, the past, the present, about everyone else doing their own thing. It's a torture. But it's life.

This is the A Level coursework prep I never showed, so I finally got pics, they're not the best, but it'll suffice for now.

Trinity
(Click to enlarge)

Going Up
(Click to enlarge)

Man and Machine
(Click to enlarge)

Power
(Click to enlarge)

Mould
(Click to enlarge)

The Way
(Click to enlarge)

Formation
(Click to enlarge)

Finality
(Click to enlarge)

Acute Tonsillitis, that's what I have. The throat hurts, my voice is thoroughly messed up, I am barely eating anything, and I haven't had good sleep for two nights in a row. Went to see the doctor first thing after book-out yesterday night and got a 2 day MC. Apparently it's so serious that he considered referring me for hospital admission, but anyway he just settled for giving me his strongest antibiotic course and a review tomorrow morning. So I guess I won't be booking in tonight.

I pray that it rains tomorrow like it did today.

So maybe I lied when I said you won't hear of it again, but I got a pleasant surprise when I checked my email today:

(Click for link)

A part of me feels great for the achievement, yet another part also fears being not able to top it again. Similarly I also worry that it means nothing since it is a choice award and - so as not sound like a hypocrite - the popular vote really doesn't dictate the merits of a piece of art work (ie. aesthetics and engagement, but perhaps it does for skill). Just for the record, I believe that art is a mode visual communication - of ideas; feelings; emotion; inspiration - and thus the impact it has on individuals will depend on individual mindsets, as such art and design competitions serve no real purpose with respect to the artwork or message itself since it is impossible to grade or rank such qualities (unless said works are really outstanding) but rather provide recognition for the artist(s) for his or her raw skill and talent. In that light, I'd much rather make life-changing art than to have a cupboard full of trophies. Having said that, it's definitely an honour to get the CG Choice Award, especially since I'm not one who has achieved a lot in my life, perhaps this is something which would show me that I actually have something to live for.