white space, white noise

My days are actually passing exactly as they were during the exam period, that is, they are full of nothingness. What an oxymoron, but really, I wasn't studying all that much - and of course I'm not doing that right now - the only thing I worked hard for was probably Art Paper 2. Again, I am not exaggerating for the sake of potential pleasant surprises as many seem to do, I frankly will not be alarmed if I find that I failed at least one of the other two subjects. Anyways, this post is just to say my life is still the same, firstly because there wasn't a previous phase of hardwork, and secondly because there's no current newfound extreme freedom or whatever. It is however not about me complaining of not having things to do because I know I have lots to do - skins to make, illustrations to paint, concepts to draw, photos to take et cetera - I'm also not looking for people to ask me out because I know I'm terrible company. Yes even this entry is pointless, it's all the same, as usual.

I went without sleep for over 24 hours just so that my Drawing and Painting paper would turn out alright, and it did, in my opinion anyway. I liked how the final piece turned out, it seemed like I was painting way too slow but by the midpoint (one and a half hours in) momentum picked up and it began to take shape - even though I was also in danger of dozing off by this stage, finding it almost painful to stay standing. Perhaps the composition might not have been the greatest ever, but I felt it fit in really well with the idea I was trying to convey - that a disorienting scene would lead the viewer to question his or her assumptions as to what is happening, thus deconstruction takes place on two levels, in the subject matter as well as the effect gained from the composition - even though I realise concepts don't exactly take centrestage in this paper and sure don't gain much credit.

Well I suppose it's good enough that I'm satisfied. Also considering that the whole paper was attempted without any tutor guidance, it turned out way better than expected with the final piece and preparatory studies combined. Actually on that issue, I don't understand why people aim for 10 pages of prep, that is absolute overkill, if you have done well for 2 years with just 5 or less, what's the difference this time round? If you know you can reach the A mark, or have the skills to do so, must you feel so insecure as to pour out everything within and prove that you're the best there ever has been? Or to prove that you've done more than anyone else? That you're "better" than everyone else? So is that what this has degraded into, while making "art", you have to constantly watch your back, or your peers rather, and make sure that you're staying ahead of the game; as if someone will pounce upon you at any moment and make you lose everything you have? Do you lose your marks as if someone else can take them away from you? If that is really the way this paper is graded, then I'd rather fail. Make no mistake, I'm not condemning my peers who've put in a lot of effort into their work, it's just that sometimes I really question the purpose and wisdom of such things, the fault lies as much with the student as with the system that breeds it. This paranoia, this kiasuism, competition, I can't stand it, and I won't fall into its senselessness no matter how much the world wants me to.

Here're my five anyway, nothing fancy I admit, may not even get me the grade I want, but right now I don't care for that anymore.





Paper 2 Prep work
(Click to enlarge)

Constructivist Deconstruction
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

13 hours and 25 minutes to be exact.

To question the assumptions
When you see a still image of an action, how can you be sure of what is happening if you never saw that presumed action taking place? Certainly there will be visual clues that guide you towards a conclusion; motion blur, basic knowledge of physics, understanding human or mechanised anatomy, or the proven fact that the image is a true photograph. But what if none of these are there and all you gather from it turns out to be logical fallacy? What if that was the purpose of the image, an artwork, the artist, to challenge the convention of things?

To remove the existence of clues that lead to one developing preconceived ideas
Of course to emphasize the questioning of something supposedly understood as obvious, one would have to provide the means of communicating such a message. As you remove one set of clues that lead to preconceptions, you add another set to emphasize an alternative.
It may be a mess, it may turn out whimsical, or it may prove to be an enlightening piece of work. When familiar things are taken out of context, the meaning changes. How could the viewer be certain of what an artist means to say? Perhaps it is then the job of the artist, if a message is his intention, to pass that message on effectively.

To deconstruct
Thus I aim to challenge convention, with an image seemingly representative of constructivity, its process and message would be one of irony. What you witness isn't what you think it is, every thought process went into making you think precisely that way, and when you realise it, it will be true deconstruction in action.

How do you keep it simple? Context is based on personal interpretation drawing from experience, must one capitalise on popular and perhaps cliched notions and concepts so as to make something simple to understand? Must something be simple to understand to be well understood? And if my idea were truly simple, what would be the use of all the senseless deliberation and distraction when there's nothing to explain? To show consistent effort? What if no effort was used in deriving the idea? Yes it needs to be graded, of course, but what are you truly grading? Responsiveness and awareness to examination grading criteria? Quantifiable competitive effort? I could probably draw for prep a cat, the moon, a jet engine, a watermelon, and have a final piece of work that includes none of that because well, I changed my mind. I frankly would rather do that than draw the same two objects from 20 different viewpoints.

Success is subjective. That's probably the best thing I've heard all week (last week). How is it that we could simply forget and let people decide for us what we want?

It's just us now, art.

Blank Walls - The Observatory
Normally Open - Camra
Neon Nothingness - The Last Transmission
The Everglow - Mae
Projektion (EP) - Astreal

I'd get them if I knew where to (save for the first). Probably the wrong crowd to ask anyway.

So economics is over, I hope it burns in hell and I never see it again, like mathematics. Anyways just for the record if (if? Probably more of when) it comes that I get totally abysmal results, I'll drop out of the JC system indefinitely.

It always is.

But you see, there is no choice
Live my life day by day
Going where it takes me
Catching opportunities
Laying low if there're none
Competition - optional?
Which capitalism embraces
And communism disallows
There must be a middle ground
Hoping life takes me there
Where there is choice
But you see, there is no choice
Not to hope
Not to dream
Competition - survival
Live it or die
But do you see?
Do you really see?

Why do I waste my time?
In the midst of my terribly altered daily routine due to adopting a close to 12-hour shift in sleeping habits, I felt anxiety and panic for the first time. Yet there was also a feeling of lethargy, of carelessness. It was like an epiphany and flashback in one, realising what lay in the day ahead, I saw what was behind, as well as the future.

A future of scorn, of hardship, of shame.
How could I be so blind? Two years of this has always meant to culminate in an event which decides whether those very two years were productive or wasteful, regardless of the purpose - or lack of purpose - of it. What took me so long to realise, only on the eve of judgement, that this is the reason the meaning of things don't matter the slightest bit? If you were in the system for two years just to prove that you have wasted your time, what is the point of all your discontent? Doesn't it mean you have made your own unhappiness, wasted your own time? What do you prove other than that you're a fool?

I'm a fool, and I'm about to face the consequences.

Serenity is the best movie of 2005, no doubts about it.

Of course, I didn't watch it at a cinema, it didn't open here and two months out I just couldn't wait any longer. It seems there will be a special one-time (supposedly) screening of it in Singapore come December 21, so if you guys want to check it out (legally), here's your chance, I'd be there if I were able to. It's not necessary to watch Firefly beforehand, but it's definitely a bonus to know more of the backstory and character relationships. It is an all-round good movie with a balanced mix of action, drama, emotion, humour, whatever. Way better than Return of The Sith, but that's a terrible film to use as a benchmark anyway.

Oh yeah, Econs tomorrow... I really should be caring.

It seems like one is almost obliged to tell others of how it went, not least because of how big the A level examinations are. Regardless, let's just say it's messed up - and that's no exaggeration, in fact I'd even think it's underrating and euphemistic to describe it as such. Some think I'm only lying to myself just to create some sort of defeatist atmosphere, as if it were humbling; writing it off as nonsense, but as the one who wrote my own answers, I'd think I know exactly what I'm saying. Others speak of forgetting the past and looking forward, and that is probably perhaps the best route always, though not the easiest, but life wasn't meant to be without trials.

As if not wanting to fall into that pit, the rat-race we're all obliged to participate in, I tell myself that any such failure doesn't matter, that it is a matter of perspective, and nothing matters if I don't mind. It certainly is true, but like so many other things it is much easier said than done. Perspective matters a great deal, but in the real world to simply belong to the majority (or to have the power to overturn an opinion) ususally makes you right anyway, living in itself then becomes a real albeit oft hidden struggle. Perhaps you don't feel it because you are comfortable where you stand - in the majority. You could just go about your daily life, worrying about trvialities, and that's actually all well and good. But when you can't hold on to your own ideals regardless of age or any artificial means of categorization, what is the point of this freedom that we supposedly regard so highly? When they begin to encroach on those other values you hold dear, perhaps on the colour of your skin, or the God you worship, simply because they can or simply because they outnumber you or find you a threat, it'll become apparent how it is all the same thing.

I think this failure that everyone fears so much has taught and forced me to look at the world differently - especially so as the world grows increasingly to look at things the same way. I suppose ignorance would truly be bliss as I'd frankly be glad to not have to think about such things. Perhaps I'm really just reacting and finding an outlet for all of my inadequacies and disability to cope with life. Perhaps so, and you can label me strange, anti-social, or crazy even, but it is a world of perspectives afterall. In all seriousness, I believe in what I have thus said, because is there no truth to be found in it? You would have truly been a success story of this system if you think I have to share your beliefs in order to be right.

To follow up from the previous post, I've realised that it's been almost 3 full days since I got my Art paper 2 questions and I haven't really looked at them. For some odd reason I felt immense discomfort and disgust when everyone got it, mainly because they were all excited and anxious, quibbling over which stimulus to choose. So much so that I immediately stuffed it into my bag.
I don't really have any explanation for that, perhaps I became sick of the stupidity of everything, that superficial examination of words, direct interpretation of a theme. Perhaps it was my adverse reaction towards certain people's mannerisms, or perhaps I just didn't give a hoot about anything that was going on.

And what a surprise was it to have the tutor say it's "okay" if we didn't have anything to show when consulting them, that the "idea is more important". See, it's kind of an efficient factory model they aim to install in students here - choose a theme, get an idea, take pictures, make drawings and studies, maybe juxtapose the pictures, maybe juxtapose the sketches, come up with a composition, paint. Everyone does the same thing in the same sequence.
Thanks for telling everyone that this is not necessary only at the last exam, of course that'd help us greatly.

I'm not surprised however that she was well aware of the fear they've instilled via their methods, appealing for the students to not be "afraid" of not having drawings to show them, or not wanting to see them. Absolutely ridiculous is what I call it, I'll be doing this one on my own.

Weakness is highly subjective, like good and evil. It exists in a state of competition, in comparison; for one to be weak, there must one which is strong. Are modern incompetencies weaknesses? Who dictates these criteria of judgement? Does majority make right? What purpose does this labelling serve? So many questions, so few answers.

The world is indeed ruthless, but all that was never actually far from my mind. It's then apparent perhaps, that this was and is all but a reaction towards personal weakness.

I am well aware of many shortcomings on my part, but I have no wish to belong to any association, clique, or establishment to cover up these so-called weaknesses. These groups still exist within their own world of disillusionment, hold their own prejudices, and lay out their laws. Weakness and strength is just measured using different rulers. Perhaps I'm one too idealistic for this world, but whoever made that something wrong too?

If I die, does it matter? That's a fact of life, ironically. But if I fail, does it matter? Why does it matter? Isn't it strange that survival, success and strength is still rated so highly in the supposed developed world of mankind. It simply went past the corporeal to the imaginary. And believe it, it is imaginary because you definitely will not find death from failing at writing some words to be judged weak or strong by someone.

Of course, if I were confident of making through what lay ahead, why would I talk about such things? However if you're wondering that now, you would've missed my point completely.

I've got to see this. Preferrably before NS.

"If your life was a movie, would it be a good one?"

"Add addiction, adventure and excitement to your life. With a career in the Navy"

"It's no coincidence that we're writing specifically to you. You've excelled academically and gained recognition from your teachers and peers. Now it's time to aim for more."

So specific that the officer's signature wasn't even real, excuse me but I need to laugh. Excelled academically. Hah!

Well you gotta give the Navy some credit for their stunts, I've always enjoyed their advertising campaigns and gimmicks. Those TV commercials - submarine in bathtub; civilians in ship? ("get the form, get the form!"). The MRT banner advertisements - medals; institutions; stories for grandchildren. The personal engagements - last year there was this free toy thing, then there was a novel written by "you" (ie my name was on it) with blank pages, and now this, giving away free movie tickets courtesy of Cathay, even the envelope was so nicely disguised (Republic of Singapore Navy was found only in fine print under the adhesive part, like Anchor Envelopes, rather amusing). If anything at least they served as good laughs, unlike the blatant in-your-face methods of the Army and moreso Air Force to find career soldiers - stuff that usually preys on typified guy-sentiments: technology, action, more action, make it seem like a game et cetera, or worse, parental wishes - which I find thoroughly disgusting.

I'm sorry, I'll have to leave the defense of this country to those who're able and willing... or maybe who just want that scholarship, or that illusive "honour" that comes with service.