white space, white noise

I've already skipped two art paper2 practice sessions, well one was because I was genuinely sick, and the other was me being sick of it. Don't know if I should skip the next one this Wednesday, which will also be the last. I still think what I need to focus on is the idea development than skills, and I also don't think the teachers have put enough emphasis on that area. Really, what's the point of painting if you have nothing to paint?

I've realised that formal education (in Singapore at the very least) is really quite pointless. And what's all this about freedom when we're all within another framework of control... it's like the Matrix really if you think about it, yeah I watched Reloaded again for I think the 10th time.

Take a hawker for example, or a cleaner, it is rather common to have such a mode of livelihood be seen as undesirable, and I'm speaking besides the fact that they are more physical and menial and "unskilled" in nature. What is it that creates such a mindset? You only have to look at the "solutions" which are being introduced today to "redesign" these jobs because of structural unemployment to find the answer. Re-education. Upgrading. Re-training. It's rather clear why such jobs are deemed fit only for "uneducated" or "under-educated" people, if you were a degree-holder, obviously you'd want to use that qualification in a worthwhile manner, it's basically like getting the returns from your (parents') investment. Nothing exactly wrong with that anyway, it's just market forces in action, but isn't it trivialising the whole agenda of getting an education? Join the dots yourself, what are we doing here? On the road to getting degrees of course. So the purpose of education, ie going to school and working so hard for those exams = to get jobs so you don't starve to death.
Is education then still a transfer of knowledge and ideas from one to another?

On one hand it most certainly is, I can't deny that I've learnt things through my years in school and a lot of it was enjoyable, but on the other hand, the purpose of it all has been reduced to such superficiality I doubt that there's really any real knowledge being learnt anyway because of the general lack of interest in everything taught today. It doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not because that's not what you're rewarded for, it is formulaic, rigid and structured and you have to do things a certain way (how else are you to grade something? That is why there's also an issue against academic art) to get what you want. Fair enough considering that "what you want" is that qualification which will get you the job so you wouldn't starve to death. However even though it's so obvious that these processes are all gearing you up for the working world, more often than not a lot of the things taught have nothing to do with your future daily life. There's a massive mismatch between means and end here, it's as if they recognise the fact that education has to remain in essence about the acquisition of knowledge - for I don't know, self betterment perhaps - yet it is all being shoved down your throat, albeit usually self-forced because of the results that come attached with this "education".

Back to the hawker then, the kind of paper qualifications he has really doesn't say anything about the kind of person he is, he could be the kindest soul who loves cooking and has great interest in astronomy or Chinese literature yet hold only an 'O' level cert, sure that means he's not fit for a certain kind of job but it wouldn't mean he's stupid or uneducated. One can see how much control money and this economy has over our lives, do we even know who's steering it and where we're headed?

Yes, you probably know it already, nothing new; it's not that I didn't know any of this before, it's just become so clear to me in the last year how absurd it all is, and I really don't know anymore if I want to have a part in it. Don't you think it's dangerous, although in a funny way, that it's 11 days to my exams and I'm thinking such thoughts?

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

So all the shit has to happen just when I'm gone. Well that doesn't matter, I don't want to involve myself with all of that anyway.

But I wonder, why all those cheap words? Unity? Togetherness? If you really had it to begin with, you wouldn't need to remind yourself that you need it. It's funny really, and that's why I've never said anything much, it's not worth the effort.

When I leave this school, I'll remember the friends I've made, and that's all, that really is all. And who are they? That's for me to know, and... well, you'll know if you're one, at least I do hope that it's mutual.

No it isn't/wasn't a hiatus, why 'cause I don't believe in those things.

Anyways, Starhub, please go to hell.

You're about to read the "damn, this guy really sucks at photography!" entry, if you do not wish to look at terribly uninspiring (and bad) photos taken by a terribly uninspired person which were put up just to act as some sort of filler, well, just... close your eyes and don't say a word, yeah.

Dine
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Clutter
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Alley
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Dusk 1
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Dusk 2
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Window
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I Didn't Lie

Darts
Painter IX & Photoshop 7
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Sometimes it's best to just shut up, then less words will come back to haunt you. I don't know, I feel depression setting in again.
But anyways, the picture has nothing to do with what I just said, the idea actually started out rather different, and then... it changed. Yeah.

Oh and check this out: Unpopular Radio.

Bintan
Painter IX with reference
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Good times, heh don't even know when we can or will meet again. Next time, let's go further away.

It's on.
Thought I'd have more time, but it seems... it seems not. Goodbye world.

Out of Bounds
Acrylic on canvas
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For a 3 hour piece I think it wasn't too bad, but of course more practice is needed, I left my paints in school though, they're too darn bulky.

Out of Bounds
Photoshop 7

Quick photo-manip composition for tomorrow's P2 practice, images came from militaryphotos.net. I'm quite happy anyway with what I managed to come up with, there's quite a bit of meaning in there if you want to read into it, the theme is of course "out of bounds". In case you're wondering, no I'm not against the war in Iraq, I mean, what's happened has happened, and there're soldiers out there dying everyday, there's no need to aggravate the situation by spitting on these men and women who have to face an almost invisible enemy. It's more of a general comment on war and the supposed boundaries of warfare, just what are its limits? Who do you kill, when do you kill, how do you kill? Does your enemy respect the same rules of engagement? He's aware, but does he care if you care? Does he then take advantage of your seeming shortcomings? Do you fight the war to your rules or your enemy's? Under all these circumstances, can war even have rules? Will man, in his darkest manifestation, uphold these rules he has created?

Are We There Yet?
Painter IX
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Even though a part of me yearns for the recognition and attention, and for all the compliments I do get about my coursework - what with teachers yesterday during Nanyang's open house "kowtowing" to me, congratulating me and stuff - I still feel a kind of unease, I don't think I'm all that good and I don't want the attention or people treating me as "god-like". Perhaps I fail to put things in perspective, perhaps I really don't realise just how good I really am, perhaps I want even more, but perhaps most true is that I'm just afraid of falling into a trap where my ego would overwhelm me.

I feel dead. I feel disgusted by myself for not being able to replicate any kind of goodness that could've come out of the piece, these days I just feel extremely uncreative and dead. I think about lots of things, carry much discontent with life, people and the world, yet the scope of what I draw is mostly confined to relatively simplistic and literal illustrations, usually images of war for mods and games. I want to do more, I want to make art that says more dammit. And with these sentiments, I often cannot help but feel that my inability to create is innate, when I see people my age or especially younger doing work I can't even begin to conceptualise, I feel like crying.

Tonight was great. Exposure is NJ AEP's coursework exhibition which I checked out this evening, and what can I say other than that it's awesome? At first it left me feeling rather defeated - if I could use such a word in this context - as in the midst of viewing all the art works, I realised once again how rigid, boxed-up, conservative, and suffocating NYJC AEP's environment is. I'm not even talking about the system, it's obvious in the students we have; all that apathy, superficiality, and all that "grade-mindedness" when it comes to the AEP, the system only serves to perpetuate and cultivate such mentalities. But anyways as I was saying, I came out of it feeling better than when i started.

It all struck me with the first thing I saw, and that was Yue Han's video piece (yeah the [almost] naked man) - it's all just so... different (both from what we do and what he did for his Os), not to say that the works are technically lacking, but while they're not overwhelming, they're at the same time so bold, so experimental, so awe-inspiring. I was actually discussing with William on the bus ride there about how environment matters so much, and you can see it in action, the creative atmosphere is just there when you see NJ's art block and its art studios, let alone the people. It's not because they make ground-breaking works, or that they're going to get good grades, or become famous, the thing is what they stand for: they stand for truth in visual expression and for freedom in art education.

Ah whatever, maybe for that reason I felt left out for a while, "un-artsy" and unincluded, ashamed of where I was from although it wasn't apparent, and even hateful of the way I can't speak up properly, but I'm glad I stayed on for so long because I later got a great (should I say exclusive?) tour/explanation by Benjamin - who probably doesn't even know my name yet, that's how friendly he is - and got to see their workspace and prep work. The coolest thing I think was that the teachers didn't even care if we (non-NJ people) were in there, and yes food is allowed (airconditioning doesn't seem to be a problem?). All these wouldn't have been that big a deal if I was fresh outta ACS(I), with our lounging around in the art teachers' mess and all, but I guess the rules at Nanyang have gotten to me.

Even stranger and quite surprising was to meet Cao Ye, I think we spoke more tonight than in our 2 years as classmates, he looks so different, so... cool, I guess TP design school does things to you huh. Also really great to have seen David and Kheng Siang, didn't think they'd turn up since it was already so late, we reminisced, exchanged some new experiences in art and had some good laughs, not helped in the least by Jerome's usual lameness (whose painting is great by the way). Just before I left we also met Cedric in army no. 4 uniform and all, what a small world it is, it's fascinating how so many people people previously thought unrelated could be brought and linked together by something so simple, something which I was even thinking of not attending. Well, I have no regrets, other than perhaps failing to ask more people along, especially the J1s, Veli thanks again for the invitation.

P.S. I believe the studio would be open during NJ's open house tomorrow as well, so those interested could probably still go see the works.

Although you can say I've been sleeping better recently because I've been sleeping more, I've also been dreaming more, and dreams don't always equate to good sleep. Just woke up from a (or a collection of?) weird dream about lots of stuff, most notably about my art coursework title/theme needing to be changed because it didn't fit in with the parameters... or something? Whatever, it didn't even make sense... the shower I just had kinda removed every trace and memory of it, which is probably a good thing because I remember waking up confused and a little anxious - and later on amused.

Okay originally, I intended to just write something about that and talk about graduation some other time because I was lazy, but I realised that'd make for an extremely short and lame entry here. Not that anyone cares, but this post was actually completed at 11pm despite the 9pm timestamp.

So, today was graduation day, what more can I say? Well there was the graduation ceremony in the morning where we had to sit through painfully bad speeches (although a couple were meaningful and reflective, but their sincerity could be brought into question) and a rather long, and might I say poorly organised, awards presentation ceremony. Then there was a small reception where chocolate eclairs were apparently the favourite picking of everyone, for obvious reasons, they're badass. And came our very last CT period... they don't kid you when they say JC will be over fast. The general sentiment was one of expressing gratitude and thanks, and love I guess, for classmates. Although I still don't particularly like a few of them for reasons that go beyond the superficial, I don't think I hate anyone and nothing's really held to heart. I can say for sure though that I have made some really good friends in class over these two years, Alvin, Isaac, Jeremy, Marv...friends that I will definitely treasure. And damn, those words nearly left me in tears... if we ever see each other again.

Heh, I don't want to think about it really, I've been told that friends come and go, and only a few, or couple will follow you through a lifetime, but when most true friends I've made are based on the idea that I wouldn't mind having that friendship for a lifetime, are those words still true?

Another thing emphasized upon was how material achievements don't really matter at all, and even if (God forbid) you fail at the As, it's not the end of life. I suppose I can agree with that, but don't we see at the same time the great irony of this? While we can dispose of an idea, it must first have failed to warrant its disposal, why not skip it all to begin with? Yet if you never try you never know, no?
Well with all that, class was over and we individually said our goodbyes to our tutor. He cried, I can see why.

After taking a bunch of photos and the guys fooling around in their usual way, a group of us, along with Mr L. went for lunch. What a long lunch, a lot of talking about future prospects, past experiences - mostly directed and conversed between student and teacher still... (and no not asked by me, you should know I'm the quiet type and can't converse well unless there're people there to get me started, which could be good or bad, depending on the situation)

What to do? What uni to go to? Teaching? Why should I? How should I? Gap year. Go overseas if you can. Experiences in Africa. Backpacking. Volunteer work. Is it safe? Parents' expectations (Now that one was something interesting I never really thought about, and I think is one of the few things I learnt from today. The thing is, parents only impose upon you what they think is best for you because you don't show them what you want, ie what you are happy doing, so they want you to be happy according to their idea of what happiness is to you, afterall a happy child makes a happy parent? But then again, are things ever so simply explained? I think a lot of parents actually view kids as investments rather than true children, which is plain sad). Jobs. Schools. Education system. Teachers. Students. Clubs.

It was simply a good chat - or listen - over lunch in any case. After some 2 hours at The Cafe Cartel - which, I must certainly add, food sucks for its price - we parted our ways for quite possibly the last time.

So I guess that's all that happened today, what's next? The As? After that? God only knows. But if there're words I live by, here're a few: The best is yet to be. Always.

And probably still are.

The funny thing is, I wasn't even doing anything strenuous, watched a couple of movies, completed a game, and I don't think I ate any bad food (hey I think prune juice is even supposed to make things better, which was I think the last thing I consumed the night before).

You could probably imply something from all I've just said. There're just some things I don't want to say outright because it'll make people puzzled, worried or even angry, and invoke some kind of guilty conscience in me for reasons I don't know. Then again, I can't say that I know for sure what I'm doing, can we ever be sure of anything? As much as we want to believe, we do not have our lives in our own hands, we do not control our fates. Of course that goes both ways; all your education is geared exactly towards the prospect of securing a good life for yourself. Neither am I saying it's plain wrong to want to live well and be out of harm, but the methods of doing so have become mindless and meaningless - you bound and degrade yourself to such matterless affairs... at what cost? But perhaps the only blind one here is me.

Falling ill is no fun. Soon after waking up yesterday morning I felt as if there were multiple axes wedged in my skull, no it didn't quite hurt, it just seriously offset my centre of gravity and sense of direction. Then there were things within me constantly trying to force out the watery contents of my stomach and bowels. Vomiting is disgusting. Well after a visit to the doctor, about a full day of lying on the bed, and a few doses of medication, I'm feeling better, but there's still an axe in my head, back to bed.

Decadent Progression
Photoshop 7 & CS2
GCE "A" Level Art Coursework
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In his endless pursuit of progress, man has built around him a Machine. It is a construction of utmost magnificence, but though man is its operator, subsistence, and champion, he relishes in the success of his own creation and becomes a slave to it, bound in perpetuity to its artificial nature of necessity. This is not some fantasy vision of a future world, it is right here and now, all around us – the Machine is an archetype of the world that chases after money mindlessly. Just what is this economic betterment we all strive for? Bigger homes, brighter children, healthier lives – everything in the definition of a modern society is tied down to the concept of money, so much so that it is ingrained within us all that such a “reality” is the true purpose of life. From the point we are "mouldable", lives are planned, expected and demanded as mere assets and investments towards the greater advancement of humanity. We become blindly driven by those around us and even ourselves to succeed within the framework of this Machine, expending all strength, emotion and commitment to ensure its eventual continuation.

Framed and hung

For those that are sick of this, I assure you this is the last you'll see of it because it is finished and marked.

What does that mean actually, AO pass? The collective phrase doesn't even make sense. Advanced ordinary? Ordinarily advanced? Using "normal", "ordinary" and "advanced" to name courses is so damn misleading anyway. Well whatever, I digress because that's what I got for history. I don't believe it, I actually scored a high C for my European history paper, 60/100. But damned TCP, I've no idea how the 10/100 for the Southeast Asian history paper came about, the two add up to just 35/100, barely an AO pass. This stinks, I actually did so much better than expected for the paper I "studied for" by browsing Wikipedia, and the one which I expected to scrape through with better grades by "smoking", got hammered down brutally by marking I've never seen before. Ironically confidence-crushing, you don't know what's the right thing to do anymore. Well I shall read The Cambridge History of Southeast Asia for real now, there's so much that eludes me.

Now I'm not one to judge, but frankly I can't stand the so-called Christians who proclaim God's greatness and love for Him and how great Sunday's worship session was and whatnot, and then go on to bitch and rant in the most un-Christian manner possible... spouting condescendence, arrogance, hate and filth.

We all already know about the Sunday-only Christians, but I'm talking about blogs here. Oh yeah you may say it's intangible; that they're not really credible and shouldn't be taken seriously, it's on a medium easily disguised by anonymity and thus leads to mischief - but all that's negligible when you consider the undeniable fact that someone did type that stuff out, and the content is all the more so believable on personal blogs. The point is that if you treat your blog as a personal space; as a diary and a journal, shouldn't it truthfully reflect you as a person since under that supposed shroud of mystery you say whatever you want to? Wouldn't it be more "actions" than simply "words" in a sense now? Hey there don't be stupid, God isn't blind to The Internet.

What kind of a Christian are you if all you are is a hypocrite? What's worse is when someone says something to point out the mistakes, be it in a disguised or harsh manner, they react trying to be witty and smartarsed, at the same time proclaiming to be holier-than-you - because ohnoes, you shouldn't be judging people! - but all that does is further prove the point handed out to them, only that they probably never even realised it as they drown in their own self-righteousness. And then there'd be the friends who literally fly to the rescue without prior consideration of the real issues at hand, just how fake or blind can people get? Well what can one do, but to pray?

Does Lewis or Tolkien mention Christ in any of their fictional series?

Are Bach's sonata's Christian?

What is more Christ-like, feeding the poor, making furniture, cleaning bathrooms, or painting a sunset?

There is a schism between the sacred and the secular in all of our modern minds. The view that a pastor is more “Christian” than a girls volleyball coach is flawed and heretical. The stance that a worship leader is more spiritual than a janitor is condescending and flawed. These different callings and purposes further demonstrate God’s sovereignty. Many songs are worthy of being written. Switchfoot will write some, Keith Green, Bach, and perhaps yourself have written others. Some of these songs are about redemption, others about the sunrise, others about nothing in particular: written for the simple joy of music. None of these songs has been born again, and to that end there is no such thing as Christian music.

No. Christ didn’t come and die for my songs, he came for me. Yes. My songs are a part of my life. But judging from scripture I can only conclude that our God is much more interested in how I treat the poor and the broken and the hungry than the personal pronouns I use when I sing. I am a believer. Many of these songs talk about this belief. An obligation to say this or do that does not sound like the glorious freedom that Christ died to afford me. I do have an obligation, however, a debt that cannot be settled by my lyrical decisions

My life will be judged by my obedience not my ability to confine my lyrics to this box or that. We all have a different calling; Switchfoot is trying to be obedient to who we are called to be. We’re not trying to be Audio A or U2 or POD or Bach: we’re trying to be Switchfoot. You see, a song that has the words: “Jesus Christ” is no more or less “Christian” than an instrumental piece. (I've heard lot's of people say jesus christ and they weren't talking about their redeemer.) You see, Jesus didn’t die for any of my tunes. So there is no hierarchy of life or songs or occupation only obedience.

We have a call to take up our cross and follow. We can be sure that these roads will be different for all of us. Just as you have one body and every part has a different function, so in Christ we who are many form one body and each of us belongs to all the others. Please be slow to judge “brothers” who have a different calling and thank you for reading.

-Jon Foreman of Switchfoot

I have 4 admission tickets to this thing called ArtSingapore, they're worth $10 each but I got them free. I probably won't be going since it doesn't seem interesting (hey I'm not an art collector or dealer or artist looking for a dealer nor am I interested in semi-abstract crap which more than half of the works seem to be), so if you want them, look for me in school or something tomorrow (which is the last day of the... show/exhibition/expo/whatever it is).

There seems to have been quite a number of game demos released in the past week or so, I tried out a few today.

Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood doesn't seem to offer anything new to the original, in fact the AI fireteams seem to have some trouble operating in the tight urban environments, often getting stuck, not responding to commands and not taking cover effectively when faced with enemies from two angles (and you have no ability to tell them exactly where to stand, unlike in say Full Spectrum Warrior). The story-telling is good, so is the authenticity in locations and immersion, but the graphics are starting to look dated - the unresolved overuse of bloom effects doesn't help - and animations are awkward at times.

Call of Duty 2 is the same old WWII shooter still bearing the traits of its predecessor and Medal of Honor, way too arcade-like for my tastes, highly scripted even though the ads boast "open-ended gameplay". The demo doesn't even let you select your own system's performance settings and I probably got the lowest-res textures without the fancy (read: incorrect) normal mapping (because it makes everything look wet) even though I'm on a GeForce6600GT. Maybe I'll get DoD:Source, the Source engine really shines under HDR lighting, speaking of which, I can't wait for Aftermath and The Lost Coast.

F.E.A.R.'s multiplayer component is really good, the game runs surprisingly smooth (even more so than Battlefield 2) given its impressive visuals and the action is awesome. There doesn't seem to be anything new with the MP gameplay though, spawn, kill, killed, respawn. But then they only included DM and CTF/TDM modes in the demo, with I think slo-mo specials I haven't tried yet.

I think I'll try out the demos for Serious Sam 2 and DoW:Winter Assault next.