white space, white noise

Tomorrow I'm going back to ACS(I).

I read some blogs and I feel like shit, I can never write like that, as much as I want to, and I lose every good feeling I ever had about myself. It's the same with art. I know what you'll say, "why compare?" But it's not like I deliberately set out to do that, it's just there, and although I am amazed by what I see, I can't help it that a certain part within of me will crumble. It doesn't help when you see, albeit superficially, how perfect these people's lives are. This entry is just an introspective of sorts, not meant to come to any conclusion, just penning down my random thoughts on the everyday.

The above is the topic I chose for GP essay. Let's hope I get a good grade, although I have a gut feeling I won't, just like, what, the last four essays I wrote? Paper 2 went fine, the passages were kind of sucky though, and questions were just weird. Ah whatever, I'm aiming for passes only.

Oh yea, before I forget, Battlefield 2 rocks.

I ought to stop bothering about all the big things in life, not that there is anything significant going on in mine, but just look at the kind of content I post around here. I feel so much conflict in so many ways. What to do how to do what to say what to think why to do when to say how to say when to think. There's this set of ideas, then there is this other set. It's so hard to even put all of this in words, and I don't even know why I want to do it. Every action I make has a counteraction, behind every ideal a doubt, after every thought another voice.

We are living a lie as slaves to the system. You paint too bleak and cynical a picture of the world. But that's just the truth, isn't the world a cage we built for ourselves? A mould for our children and all to come? A model of life and living such that everything will continually progress? Perhaps so, but that's reality and nothing you do can or will change anything, that is just wishful, destructive, naive thinking. But I'm not saying we turn back the clock, I'm not silly enough to think that. But you, you're locked in your own world, pursuing things you made up yourself, as if it is gratifying to drop a note and pick it up and keep it as though it wasn't yours. You can't be more of a hypocrite, what about your Art and whatever it is, didn't man come up with that too? You just don't like whatever you don't agree with, and in this case, you're afraid you cannot survive in the real world, and you're plain lazy to make sure you can, so you find excuses; masquerading behind an artificially noble cause. It's not the same. The love for money is the root of all evil. I don't care or mind if you do things out of conviction and dedication, be it painting, writing, singing, anything. But everything in the world today has a pricetag to it, when you start living for the money, there's something wrong with you. So what do you suggest to all these people with seemingly no talent or passion for something, what other worth is there in their lives? When this is the reality of life, what other way is there to live? Your mind is twisted and skewed, snap out of it. But all your terms, monickers, lexicons, stereotypes, labels, it is in your nature. Whoever doesn't agree with the norm is abnormal and not fit for society. If that is what it takes, so be it. You're out of your mind. So are you.

Is this life? To go through it simply to, be it successfully or unsuccessfully, find out what it is about?

See what I mean when I spoke of the content I post around here? I'm going crazy.

No actually I miss. I missed the deadline I set for myself, ah whatever, the real deal's Tuesday. This time it's really the final push, and for some reason, I'm actually getting ideas on what to do for the remaining prep (which is also supposed to be prep for prelim art P2, you know, to save time and stuff)? But whether I have the motivation to do it is a whole other matter. Anyways, let's see... what happened this whole week? Nothing much really, since Mr L. wasn't in school, I skipped just about every single Econs lesson with Mr N. (not lectures though, mind you), a couple of History lectures and tutorials, and spent most of my time in the new media lab working on my painting(s) till late.

How late? Ah yes before I forget to mention, nyjc has some new stupid rule that has essentially turned this school into a prison. Because of a little incident involving some idiot from outside going to some female washroom to do something, we have new movement restrictions (protection measures) imposed. I don't want to contest whether the arrival of the MOE security guards was simply coincidence or prompted, but the entire situation is such a joke to me.

There are two side gates. Both are closed at 7:30 or something in the morning so latecomers can take a good stroll to the front of the school to be apprehended. One then opens at various times in the day, for limited periods of time. Half past noon till one, three till 3:30, 5 to 5:45, 8 to 8:30.
Look, it's so preposterous I could not even be bothered to memorise the correct times.
And then there is talk about installing one-way-only-out gates or whatever they're called?

Good or not, I don't know and I don't care, but to offer some perspective, why not let us examine what our counterparts studying in polytechnics, or people just a couple years older in universities have for protective measures. So much for being a "pre-university". Make no mistake, I'm not holding our local Us in high regard either, but oh yes I believe you Ms A. because you're a GP teacher and know everything about Singapore; I believe you when you say uni would be so different. When you are to think about it, looking at the way so many of them behave, would you expect any maturity and responsibility to come from nyjcians(nyjasons), who are to go on right after that to miraculously become adults capable of independent and critical thought (no insult meant to anyone)? It's random, but I can't help feeling dumbed-down by all of this after less than 2 years - and then I think about NS, heh - and more than ever want to get out.

I've been thinking about other things as well, but lest this entry starts becoming offensive, I shall refrain myself from typing them out.

It's gotten late and now I want to be alone
All of our friends were here, they all have gone home
And here I sit on the front porch watching the drunks stumble forth into the night
"You gave me a heart attack;
I did not see you there.
I thought you had disappeared so early away from here."
And this is the chance I never got to make a move.
But we just talk about the people we've met in the last five years.
And will we remember them in ten more?
I let you bum a smoke,
you quit this winter past.
I've tried twice before
but like this, it just will not last.

Death Cab for Cutie - Steadier Footing

I'm bored and I haven't studied.

Formatting the computer the second time this weekend... Props to me for pretending to be an expert in such fields.

From the forums, just in case you, guest, forgot to check it since you care so much about me to post something about my site.

Godwin is just an amateur at art get a masters degree then create a website but right now it is crap. (Guest @ Aug 13 2005, 07:30 PM)

Did I claim to be anything else?

I'd assume you have a masters degree, may I see your work? Or are you waiting for when you get one to make a site? Or is your work crap? Wait, I guess by your logic both of them are the same.

Wake up and smell the coffee, masters degrees in fine arts only matter if you want to practice academia, ie. be an art teacher/professor. Furthermore, to get a certification at that level isn't exactly cheap or quick, regardless, I haven't even finished Junior College (and am actually looking forward to going to a respectable art school), now if you don't know where I'm coming from (which is unlikely since my profile specifically states a whole bunch of information, wait, did you even look at the site? Oh well, figures.), I don't think you're in a position to speak in such a condescending manner.

So are you a "professional" at art then? Art, at its fundamentals is about expression of ideas and/or emotion visually, if you think your institutions and establishments are above that, and that one needs approval from them to practise the expression of ideas "professionally", and that only then can it be called art and not be classified as "crap", that's fine really. Besides the fact that it's a state of mind that belongs in the 18th century, please don't come around here, without registering, to post crap and impose that nonsense on me when you don't know me at all. Also, have some guts to leave your email, you can get mine here and at my really crappy site, which I'd presume you've already explored thoroughly to land at such a resolute conclusion. If not, I'd suggest you shut up, or eat shit and die because then you'd really be doing the world some good.

You have got to love 17 inch monitors, my screen resolution is currently 1280x1024. Should I buy Battlefield 2 to test out the 6600GT? Heh reminds me of 2003, playing Battlefield 1942 and DC on 21CW after prelims... total madness, guess I only had myself to blame for doing worse for the Os eh. Oh yea, if you haven't guessed by now, I just got my own new computer yesterday, quite a bargain at just $1100+ if you ask me. There're a few problems to sort out, but it's cool.

haha

whatever

Sick of life, but don't think I have any right to complain.

Don't even know why I bother

Would something long and nicely worded but who cares?

It doesn't matter,
you don't matter,
I'm the centre of the universe.

haha

whatever

I'm a loser,
not that you agree,
but it doesn't change a thing.

Is this hard to read?
I don't care.

Don't understand anything?
Don't read.

who cares

haha

whatever

You laugh,
is it funny?

This is life,
paradoxical inchoerent contradictions by an indifferent bothersome me.

I laugh,
of course it's funny.

haha

whatever

I'm in school right now, I'm supposed to be taking my test right now but instead I'm in the art room. See I woke up late, then my parents had to make a big hoo-haa about everything, whatever, it's not like they even knew I have a test today, and they go on with their ususal morality talk - rather, shouts (where're my manners, what a lousy child I am yadayadablahblahblah and all in bloody Chinese) - so I just got out of the house as quickly as I could. Anyways the point of this entry is that I was in a massive dilemma, should I still go for the test even when I'm over an hour late? Yet how am I supposed to explain? How will people react? I'm sorry, I'm not up for it, so I take the easy way out, now laugh at me.

Update: Just so you (whoever that is) know, I'm taking the test on Tuesday, so don't talk to me about it.

I plan to finish it all by the latest August 25. Note that the following cropped previews are from my most complete panel, and I have two more, one which I haven't started on. That's right, always set impossible targets.
And I still don't know which monitor it is that has its colours all messed up, please tell me if all you can see in the pictures is darkness.

Coursework, Untitled, Frame 3
Work in Progress
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

School these days is stupid. Slept through GP today, didn't hand in the comprehension paper; didn't do it either because the questions didn't make sense and I was dead tired. Econs is more or less take it or leave it, I have a test tomorrow, but whatever, you can tell what my priorities are right now. Next week I'll be skipping school or turning up whatever time I feel like because my CT won't be around, and no one's gonna be able to do anything about that.

So I finally got around to installing the gallery, it's up with some works uploaded, I didn't really know how to organise them, so if you have suggestions, feel free to leave a comment below. You can view the works here, you're also welcome to post comments about the pieces at the gallery itself.

And it's August 9th, yeah Singapore's 40th year of independence. What I didn't like about the NDP was how they put up a rather long and very colourful performance for the Sangnila Utama legend thing - which I must add, isn't even historically proven - that climaxed with this giant lion that looked like it came straight out of The Lion King - similarly I doubt that this island was really inhabited by lions - and the entire video presentation for the period of 1819 to 2005 was done in what, two minutes? I think with a National Day, what you should be celebrating most are the ideals of your independence, what you had to do to achieve it, what you have to do to keep it, what exactly Singapore stands for, and what is this "destiny" that we will self-shape (which you hear so much in those songs). Actually, what am I saying, most kids above 12 who've been through the Primary Education system here should already know most of that due to our excellent National Education curriculum. Personally, I don't believe in what Singapore stands for, sorry but I don't want to work half my life away for the benefit of the economy, I don't want to simply be an asset, a resource - our only one by the way, human resource. Make no mistake, this is a great country; peaceful with a stable government, good infrastructure and first world luxuries, but I just don't want to live my life slaving away for material wealth and meaningless social labels.
I digress... aesthetically, It wasn't a particularly well-made presentation either but anyways here I leave you with a photo which I took during the Baybeats weekend, yes it wasn't National Day but it'd have been the same if you were there today.

Stars and Cresent
(Click to enlarge)

I changed the title of yesterday's post, if you're wondering it's from the second trailer of Serenity. This is one movie I wouldn't miss this year - after not having gone to the cinema for... let's just say a really long time. Why? Because it's based on Firefly, which was a great TV scifi drama that was cancelled after the first season, it ran on Channel 5 a couple of years ago on late nights, but I still caught it every week (after Enterprise stopped running), it was unlike anything I've ever seen before. Think a western with spaceships, and great acting. To fully appreciate the series/movie, one should also have a little understanding of Chinese (Mandarin), 'cause apparently it's a major language right alongside English in the story's setting, kinda fresh and amusing at times if you ask me. From what I've seen, the movie looks like a condensed and more action-packed version of the series, but the original cast is still there, and trust me when I say it's good.

Whiskey Corridor
Work in Progress for AC:DT mod
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

WIP, off to bed.

Coursework, Untitled, Frame 2, cropped
Work in Progress
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

I'm behind schedule. Not that there's really one in my own mind, but this is taking way longer than I expected, perhaps I really have to ask her to downsize the print sizes, I'd think it's better that viewers see more rather than less when they get closer to the work.

By the way, if you guys can't access my work at HYPE, click back and try again, or just search for my name at the site.