white space, white noise

This has got to be the dumbest thing ever.

It's old news, but tell me it isn't stupid, oh my I'm laughing as I type this, no kidding!

I don't know if there's anything that epitomises this society any better, a competition? To blog? I guess some people just don't see how that absolutely hilarious that sounds. What makes it funnier is that there're actually people who're serious about it, I'm perplexed as to why. Ah Singapore, Singapore... always going on about results, achievement, and competition, what a sad life we lead, it's good if you enjoy it, but I cannot see myself living and working here for the rest of my life.

Just came home from the AEP exhibition, it was cool I guess, saw some old faces again, friends from IJ, NJ, HC, didn't even notice at first that Ren Tian's (from ACS[I]) work was there heh.
Being me, I was kind of nervous about the whole thing at first, but after a few curious questions, I managed to condense the explanation of my painting into just a few lines and was generally more comfortable. It was fun to explain stuff actually, especially when you get asked more... intellectual stuff.
There was this girl from nj, "why did you choose roads/cars, and not people as your subject matter?" Got me stumped, but I mean, why not? Is it wrong? Now on hindsight, I should've just said that people are overrated and cliche, and damn hard to paint, so if you have problems looking at inanimate objects, I think you're on the wrong planet. Make no mistake, this isn't meant to offend to her or anyone though! I'm sure she wasn't out to offend me either.

Got generally great comments, some that made me see my painting in new ways, good ego booster to be truthful haha. The Guest of Honour Liu Thai Ker didn't come over to my painting though, well, no big deal, I think I would've died from anxiety or just gone mute (or blind from the flashes) anyway.

If you're interested, this is the painting. The AEP exhibition Eye Speak is at the Singapore Art Museum and runs till 17 July, some cool stuff there by young (student) artists.

And oh yea, history paper... don't ask, I didn't even attempt my European essay 'cause I know I wouldn't be able to write something of decent length given my knowledge of the Russian Revolution(s), and that would just result in a too short - fail comment from Mr Kellett. Got art history tomorrow, but... I think I'm going to sleep now, wrote so much; travelled so far; stood around for so long today.

Right, perhaps.
I felt like dying when I realised how much I screwed up my GP essay today. I don't know what divisive means. Dammit people should start making words look like what they're supposed to mean. I wasn't upset because I care that much about exams or the grade, I was upset because it's so embarrassing, to think of my confidence when I was actually writing it, and the joy and satisfaction I had when I completed it. Also not least because I thought it was the only subject I was going to pass, but that's all gone now.

It's no big secret now that I have more or less failed economics. My civics tutor, who's also my economics tutor, asked me this morning "what happened to your econs?". Luckily he was still smiling, don't know exactly what that's supposed to mean, but we exchanged a few lines with regards to that, at least he wasn't screaming like the last time. I mean really, if I do badly, so it's my fault, even if the school admin doesn't like that, they can't keep pressurising the teachers, which I'm certain they do - if not about academics, definitely about behaviour. What do they want these tutors to do though? As if teaching alone wasn't hard enough, they have a ton other things to take care of.

Would it make sense for me to tell people "I hate the system" when they question my grades? It's politically and socially incorrect to say such things, but I've never been known to be big on such paradigms. Is it fun to dig your own grave? I don't even see it that way, no one said you'll die without that cert, without recognition, without achievement. It's all about what you value in life, if I don't care about such things, then that's my choice.

William Tell
Photoshop 7 with reference
(Click to enlarge)

Practice done for this thread at Sijun.com, do go view if you are free, although it's just practice, some have made some rather interesting interpretations.

Looked around
What do I see?
These slaves
Yet what do I hear?
Are they mocking me?
That laughter, that cry
"We are all different"
That proclamation in unison
Ironies all around
And what do I do?
What would you do?
When the wave sweeps you under
When the crowd beckons
What could you do?
Nothing
Doesn't matter anymore
Not anymore

Went for my NS checkup today, nothing much to say other than that it took a bloody long time, and I met a couple of old friends, Andrew Tan, whom I haven't seen or talked to since like sec 3, and Zhiyuan, who, okay I just saw last week. Also saw some familiar faces, Jon Kwong included, but he doesn't know me and I don't know him, so whatever. Oh yea, got PES B, amazingly I'm not very overweight, I'm inclined to think that there's something wrong with their electronic weighing scale.

CMPB seemed like a good place to work, heh. The staff there pretty cool, sometimes joking around (they were serious when working of course), but I still can't get it out of my mindset that the army is a heartless organisation. I say that because what it all comes down to, after all your training; in the defence of your country, is that you have to kill people or aid someone in that action when you are told to. Because really: kill or be killed. Yet isn't it the same on the other side?
All soldiers are but the tools and minions of people in power, armies exist for the sole purpose conquest, if there wasn't the first, all those that followed wouldn't be thrown into this downward spiral. But it's just human nature isn't it? A fact of life; idealism isn't going to change it, all you can do is to make sure those who hold the power are responsible with it, and tread the fine line in the balance of power.

Anyways, it's economics paper 3 tomorrow. Damn this subject, I still think it's stupid and I should have never taken it. I may be able to do well if I immersed myself in all its theories, concepts, history, and practicality; but I won't, because I hate what it stands for. Sure it's there, all around in our lives, the invisble hand, but that doesn't mean I have to study it, studying something is very different from understanding it, there's a ton of stuff in the notes that I deem redundant, yet I just have to memorise them because oh, those will get me the marks because we have to assume that examiners are dumb. So I use money, but I don't want to know what policies the government can undertake to combat demand-pull inflation because I don't have to. I don't plan on studying economics anywhere anymore anyhow anyway.
They know, they know there're people don't like the subject, that's why Nadwani jokingly listed "you have no choice" as one of the possible reasons we chose this subject, and damn right, I had no choice. That's just how rigid this system is, the more I look at it, the more it seems worse than secondary school.

And I still have no choice...this is to me and all of you out there: just four more months man, keep at it.

...

seriously, i dont know, i seem to be doing like crap in jc, and i seem to be enjoying that at the same time, ok not enjoying... maybe just, not having an opinion of that at all

your timetable seems really quite cluttered.

cos what i'm trained to do in jc - whether its nj or not - is to just mug and score. mug and score. well, the results' secondary lah.

yea

is art any different

its still quite academic

good part is that, it comes from you, you dont need to... take in stuff and process it and then regurgitate

the hard work seems more like real work

but still, round here art seems so restrictive

and somehow i feel that my teachers know that, yet their style seems to promote (exactly) that

...

people are like, so void of their own ideas, so... empty. they just do what they're told, they just want that grade, they see art as just another paper

and im generalising, just the majority

(and I may very well be wrong, but that's certainly the impression I get)

art to them is just tutorials, practicals, sketches, paintings. not an experience, not knowledge, not... anything

thats what i want, i dont know, maybe i feel good from somehow fighting this system, maybe thats why i continue

haha no wonder u seem to integrate pretty well with aep students elsewhere!

haha do i?

(I don't integrate well with anyone?)

but its good you see it this way. heh. cos i wouldnt like to be part of the majority whether it's referring to art or not.

but thats the majority mentality when referring to most things school related, isn't it?

AAAA A1 A1

yea. but striving for good academic grades doesnt mean you overlook the process of it.
i dont like the way i'm studying now.

process of it? heh

the process just makes the end that much more senseless

is that what my life is about? (/reduced to?) a bunch of alphabets and numbers?

no no. i'm sure your life is filled with much more.

yea i know, and everyone should strive for more

perhaps there is a difference between striving to give your best and striving for more

yet, maybe (the only reason) i have a different perspective to things because i have a special talent, i dont know what others think

(Referring to those who have to conform because there's no other way. But is there really no other way? What do you live for? I know that
I am not living to become a pawn in others' agendas.)

...

my point was that, for a person who doesn't really have something else to fall back on, they just study because that's the only route, and i don't blame them for it, frankly i can't suggest an alternative either, but if they don't like that, surely there must be something they like doing, couldn't everyone just live doing what they like?

(Or at least enjoy what they're doing? And to answer my own question: no, obviously, heh.)

...

My words in bold, friend's in italics.
Bracketed text denote comments and alterations made to original transcript in hindsight.

The more I listen to the album, the more I like it. I don't know what's up with those reviewers, really, critics are the bane of artists (or whoever if you think about it). I hate it when people try to act like they know everything when they in fact don't. I hate it when people tell me what to do in my art when I don't see them doing better. What I hate, especially, is hypocrisy coupled with arrogance (and a pinch of ignorance), oh my, don't get me started on that.
Anyways like I said, great record, I really like the opening track Square One, as well as Fix You. X&Y sounds quite psychedelic (same for a couple of other tracks), nice acoustic sounds on A Message and Kingdom Come, and of course the single Speed of Sound. Coldplay's still as good as ever.

I have no idea why I stopped suddenly with the posts, but I just did. But I guess I'm back now, so should I start updating from the most recent or the most distant?

Ah let's start with Friday, I got a surprise phone call from Edwin on Thursday asking me out on a gathering, I didn't really catch what he said it was for but I agreed anyway. It turned out to be rather fun, met up with the usual guys from point1 (the usual Jefri gang, EY, and other ACSians) to celebrate Edwin, Weiming and Jeremy's birthdays with a dinner treat. Was really good to see them again, and I remember, just a few days ago, lamenting on where our friendships were going, heh guess I'm just happy that I'm not forgotten. Was kinda cool to see Zhiyuan and Wayne, haven't seen them in ages, Mr Timothy Lim too, though he didn't teach me 'cause I didn't take Geog, he's a nice teacher, and so we chatted after dinner and the celebration.

Somehow we (wayne, eddie and timlim) ended up talking about ACS(I); reminiscing, and ranting (while the rest played bridge, lol). I began to realise - and agree with them - at that point that ACJC is really nothing, and I shouldn't ever feel sorry for not having gone there, even if just for the friends. I've made good friends here at Nanyang just as well, and all the opportunities I've been given through AEP couldn't have happened through the art programme there. What really sickens me is that there are people who claim to be ACSians from studying there for a mere 2 years, and what about the teachers? The administration? Do they feel a part of a greater family? A pride? To strive for success? Humility? All the while upholding Christian values? Perhaps I'm taking it all too seriously, and I may not be in a position to speak since I've never studied there, but from my conversations with friends, it's clear that many of them - lots who are 10-year ACSians - don't like the college, and not for superficial reasons. It then also became clear to me why ACS(I) is embarking on its IB programme, and I wish them all the best at that.

Anyways, that was all fun, and dare I say more so than the A5 class chalet on Tuesday. So I got to play Halo 2, but is it fair for me to say that that was the highlight of the stay? Well there was the bbq, and the nightwalk and stuff. I don't know, I got lots of time to reflect though, on human nature mostly. Why do we act differently with different people? What and how does one's behaviour speak of one's values and morals? I realised that a lot of my classmates smoke. I don't want to make a big hoo-haa out of it, but I just don't see why they do it. Tired of life? Wanting a quick fix? Is it cool? I can see it, some of them are addicted to it, it's sickening and saddenning all at the same time. Doing something to feel good is one thing, doing something that kills you to feel good is another. Just different expectations? I've always expected JC to be more; the people to be - and girls especially coming from a boy school - more mature; more intellectual; more friendly; more receptive; more outgoing. Yet I'm thrown into an environment where everything's turning out to be just the opposite.

Environment. I think that's key here. Where you live; study; work, what you do and your experiences determine what becomes of you. If I had never gone to ACJS, heck, if I'd never gone to SIS in Hong Kong, I might be a totally different person today. I might not be worrying about such - what some may see as trivial - things, I may be a scholar or a punk, I might not even be interested in art. Everything does happen for a reason, and I think I've a lot to be thankful for, for being here today; I think it's absurd to think anymore that I'll have no future, yet it's all uncertain. With the environment I'm in now, what kind of expectations can I have for the future?
So why am I saying all this? Am I digressing? Are you lost? Surely not because I didn't even set out a topic. I guess... it's just a message, even if to no one, at least to myself.

Coursework Triptych, Coloured Sketch
Work in Progress
Photoshop 7

Coursework, Untitled, Frame 3
Work in Progress
Photoshop 7
(Click for detail)

Filler. Photos taken last November.

Angkor Wat

Border Children
(Click to enlarge)

Carved
(Click to enlarge)

Fly Under
(Click to enlarge)

Waterlilies
(Click to enlarge)

Glare
(Click to enlarge)

Something happened to the cable modem, so I was out of contact from the world and bored beyond belief for almost three days, but it was a good time to work on my coursework without distraction. Anyways here's a "make-up" entry of sorts, heh.

Chinatown Alley
(Click to enlarge)

China Orange
(Click to enlarge)

Happy Three Friends
(Click to enlarge)

Met up with Isaac, Alson and Jianlin to go to Sentosa on Tuesday, was early so I dropped by Chinatown for a while, which explains the photos. Got sunburnt, tried to play volleyball (I'm hopeless at any and all ballgames, or any sport for that matter), chatted a bit, and had a good time generally. Wow can an entry get any duller? (That's a rhetorical question by the way, don't give me links, I've seen them before)

Dragonfly
Photoshop 7
(Click to enlarge)

Just practice... created a nice set of brushes in the process.

The People's Car
Photoshop 7 with reference
(Click to enlarge)

This was rather fun, took a little long, but who cares.
Attended my cousin Hong Swee's wedding today, saw this beetle there, as well as a VW microbus, all decked out with the wedding decorations, really cool stuff. Also met Marvin heh, what a coincidence. He's from the same church as my cousin, and yes whatever, he probably talks to him more but I don't really care either, I'm not very close to my relatives. He's a nice guy anyway, Hong Swee that is. I've got to say that I'm quite ashamed of my extended family, to say that most of them were underdressed would be a major understatement. It's a church wedding, for goodness' sake, you do not turn up in some ragged, dull coloured, 20-year-old-looking polo tee, trousers, and bloody slippers, or behave in a way that makes it seem like you're out to prove to the whole damn world you're an aunty. And I really don't want to sound snobbish, but my gosh you should've seen the way they were going after the leftovers from the reception to dabao. The shrewdness, cheenaness, I shouldn't go on.

Speed Study 2
Photoshop 7

Almost an hour to do this crap, I still suck...

Speed Study 1
Photoshop 7
(Click to enlarge)

With my 3 compositions just about done, I was bored and glanced to my left and started painting. Note that I was in school, working with a mouse and an 800x600 screen. Squint, it looks better that way. Heh kidding, it was just a study of light and my surroundings in the art room, soon enough just about everyone was around me going ooh and aah - and calling me crazy. I assure you this is nothing, even though I was rather satisfied with the outcome, but if you want to see really good stuff, just head over to Sijun (links) and check out the 609-page (and growing everyday) Speedpainting thread in the Gallery section, awe-inspiring stuff.

The Oppression
Photoshop 7
(Click to expand)

Concept illustration for Iron Grip.
If you're interested in seeing the progress of this piece of work, just change the number 12, it starts from 01.