white space, white noise

Life's going well I guess, haven't felt depressed for a couple of days, right I guess that's a great achievement. Luckily for the extension on the Economics essay "corrections", I now have a great weight lifted off my shoulders so as to concentrate on the critique session tomorrow - which, I must add, I currently have nothing ready for.

On the academic side of things, ie the block test, well I got back the Econs paper today, suffice to say my predictions were all right, it was a horrendous score, one digit if you're interested. But nevermind, it's a wakeup call! Not to brag, but I got a 29 for my GP essay. Come on, I need the boost after that fall.

Anyways, just remembered something my English teacher (Carrie Cheah) in ACS(I) told us once... When talking about submitting assignments, the most often mixed-up phrase is probably "hand in". Yes that's the only right way to say it apparently, think about it, does "hand up" make any sense? Put your hand up? It's either "hand in" or "pass up", people, I'm amazed that some GP teachers here don't even realise the distinction, and go on and on about improving our vocabulary. Alright, alright I'm not amazed at all actually. So I hope that was somewhat enlightening and made this otherwise boring entry interesting.

I guess it's time for a restart. I'm not going to care what people think of me, because superficiality is just what it is, as well as being idiotic. I'm going to get my act together, and I don't care if the teachers don't see it, I don't care if it feels like the world is falling in on me again because it's me who's taking the papers at the end of the year. I'm going to cherish my days spent in this school and this earth better, going to make more friends, keep good friends. I'm going to try, and it all starts tomorrow. Thank you, it's ok if you can't really help, I know you're there for me, I know there're many who're there for me =)

They just came, and I couldn't control them. I don't know why, totally broke down, maybe it's because she was willing to listen, because the guesses she put out were all... right. I do feel pretty messed up right now, you know you're getting nowhere when your coursework theme stemmed from your displease with the system; the endless pursuit for money and power. At least you get some people who'll understand you and your work better...at least you get a couple of teachers to. And he's right, I should just drop out because I'm obviously wasting my time here. But he doesn't know, nobody knows. I've been thinking about that forever, from Feburary last year till now, and for some reason it just always brings the tears.
I'm afraid of living. It's silly but I think I really am.

Blonde (crop)
Photoshop 7 with reference
(Click to enlarge)

For practice, I know the hair sucks, gotta find out how to paint hair properly in photoshop.

On another note, totally wasted the weekend again, especially considering it was a rather long one. Ah well, the concept of wastage wouldn't even exist if there was nothing to do, so obviously that implies I had something to do which I didn't. Back to the routine, it's the start of term 2 proper, and I'm already tired.

I'm not angry, I guess I deserved that, but I think I already explained myself well enough at the end of that entry. I can't help it, am I supposed to continually mask the struggles that I go through? Yes I know the world isn't as bad as it seems, that people don't really hate me, or scorn me, or mock me, or think that I'm a failure. So fine, I hate myself, I hate the world, I'm sorry but that's just me, and do you think I'm not trying to change? You know that too, you've always known, I just don't appreciate the way you just blew up because you didn't like what I said.

I'm not trying to play a game of pushing the blame around here, but please respect my thoughts and feelings, I'm just telling you that what I type is genuine. If it seems rash, then fine it shows I acted out of impulse. But let me tell you that it sometimes takes me a very long time to type something up, it doesn't just come naturally, I put immense thought into it in trying to rationalise what I'm saying. Yet I'm not really trying to make people understand, I'm just using this as an avenue for dispersing; for recording these thoughts. They may not be profound, they may not make sense, so what? Dammit just go away if you don't like reading what's here. I've said before I won't talk about how I had a great day because that is just hopelessly mundane and I never have great days anyway.

I know your intentions are good, but I think you just do not know how I really think.
Let me restate: I HATE STUDYING. I think it is useless, I think it is a complete utter waste of time. Yes go on, classify this as childish, blinded teenage angst. Whatever. I will stand by what I say, furthermore, just because I hate studying doesn't mean I would not be studying.

It's just a damned block test and I really don't care what the results are. They can screw me left right centre and upside down and I don't care. I will not conform myself to a system that's built on memorisation of content, working towards a common, end goal of an examination. I believe in education as learning, not studying. So I fail in this system, so be it.
That is (one of) the basis on which I see myself as a failure, because that really is how this world judges people. Please, read deeper into why I say the things I say. Paranoia, fear, hope, hate, truth; these are the things that rule my thoughts, I'd think you'd know better as a student of literature, I don't simply post passing remarks on this blog because I'm not that simple.

Gah. I hate explaining myself.

I'm really hoping that I can get a double digit score for history. Yes it's that bad.

Anyways, I've decided I'll start drawing daily, ok maybe not daily... at least once a week. I totally suck right now. Gotta buy a sketchbook first.

Yes, go on, laugh at me. Laugh at me when you hear of my grades, scorn me, mock me, despise me, but hey, I don't give a hoot about grades anymore.

Epitome of self-defeat? Justification for procrastination?

I've tried studying, but nothing's going in; sometimes it's like I'm fighting an uphill battle; I haven't convinced myself enough that studying will actually do good for me. But perhaps that's because I've seen that it hasn't done any good for me, and oh, trust me, I've been on both sides of the fence before. Topped the class in P5, almost bottom in Sec 1, and life went on didn't it? It doesn't bring happiness, doesn't bring peacefulness, in fact all it is is trouble. And for what purpose?
Your future.
The teachers always tell you that at the end of the day it's your own loss. So fine, it's my loss, I will bear the burden, I will face the music, because I'm sure I'll fail a good part of everything this time.

Give me the courage oh Lord to face up to the consequences of my actions; give me the strength to carry on; give me the wisdom to know what's best; and give me the will to get there.

I knew I should've gone to LaSalle-SIA or something... But I'm indecisive, and afraid. Afraid of people, afraid of the future, afraid of taking the path less well-trodden (by my peers). You can tell that I already got sick of it 6 years ago, yet, I guess, I have only myself to blame for having taken this path, or rather, I was meant to go down this road. Since that's the case, I might as well complete the course, I just really hope it will take me somewhere. So well, is that reason enough to study? It still doesn't change the fact that I hate it. Dammit.

P.S. Don't start going on about how I have a "myopic" view on things, I know very well all sides to the story, "benefits", "losses"; what you're going to tell me about "the system", about how I'm "biased"... And hey, is it an opinion if I'm not? Is anything not biased anyway?

Heat, Revised (crop)
Painter 7 & Photoshop 7 with no reference
(Click to enlarge)

The above picture will be used in Iron Curtain (mod for Generals ZH), which we've been working on in secret for the past year and was announced on Monday.

So I'm going a little crazy with all this painting, but hey it's not like I haven't been studying. Ok fine reading a few sets of Economics and History notes isn't studying... I'm so screwed. Must mug! It's strange, why does the block test seem like some mid-year exam? I mean, I'm actually feeling anxious about it? Is this the end of the world? Okay just kidding, ah well my goal is just to pass everything, and I hope I do.

Went to the clinic again today, the toe's healing fine (and there's no more pain when pressure is applied!) just that it's still infected and has pus and stuff, gotta go again on Saturday...

Went to the doctor's today and fixed up my toe; hope it heals fine. For those who don't know, I got an ingrown toenail (for almost a year...), on both sides of my right toe. Yes ouch, it was rather painful, rather, agonizing, but it was over quick; thank God. I think I better spare you the details.

Anyways, spent most of today painting the following, I've realised doing this really helps take my mind off things. Ok yes studying is one of those things, but I'm referring more to the depressive mood I've been in lately.

Flank at Dawn (crop)
Photoshop 7 with historical reference for vehicles
(Click to enlarge)

Ah the irony. War is beautiful? Doubt Kursk really looked like that in '43.

I know it must suck to see me in a bad mood all day long, but am I supposed to put up an act for the sake of others? Truth is, I'm continuously growing increasingly sick of life, it'd all be so much easier if so many things never happened, yet don't all things happen for a reason? I just feel so lost... I hate everything, myself included... I want to throw it all away; to run away from it all.

Dammit

So I've just realised that I was not made for writing, but until I learn how to say all this in a pictorial form that no one could understand, please don't read it if you don't like it.

This is stupid.

Tonight, unlike yesterday night, was a night not wasted. Lots of fun and laughter (considering what a sad year it's been), even though not everyone turned up, it made me realise that I do in fact have some great classmates. Ok what a dumb entry, so whatever.

One day gone, that's just eight left for studying. I better start, and I'd rather it be sooner than later.

It's actually kind of interesting to do nothing than to watch the world go by. This beautiful world. I'd love to just float around invisible with a camera or sketching pad and capture anything I want; from any angle; for any length of time; without any hindrance.

As much as I am one person, I think I'm schizophrenic, but only in my mind. Everyday I go through a constant battle over what to do and not to do, a battle between what I would like to do and what I can do. I'm not talking about big things like tertiary education and what kind of future career I want, I'm talking about simple day to day decisions. I'm sorry, I've been feeling lousy lately. I would draw or paint something, but when I see what a failure in life I've been I just give up. Few people know just how often I feel like crying over myself. Yes there are many good things in life, and like Tiffany told me, there are things I can do that people couldn't even dream of doing, and I shouldn't focus so much on the negative because everyone's got their own problems. But inside me, I'd also like to do the things I can't do, yet I know I'd never do those things because I know I can't. Get the idea now? I'm sure there's a word out there that describes this. I guess - I guess I just want to be perfect, but of course nobody could, and it's pointless anyway. I'm sick of being myself, I'm sick of being an introvert, I'm sick of being useless at everything but "art". I'm so full of contradictions but... that's just me...

Isn't it?

Sometimes I'm afraid, this fear from self-consciousness, of whether I appear to people as what I want them to see me as. I'm afraid that I'll be labelled a hypocrite; this large disparity between who I am online and who I am in person. But I am the same person either way, I just happen to communicate better in the former; or at least I think I do. I'm afraid of being laughed at, of being ridiculed. I'm afraid of losing what few friends I may have, of counting the number of true friends I have. I'm afraid I have none; but still, I'm sure there's at least one. One who takes away all fears.

Exactly, juvenile is the word to describe the whole incident. Funny though; entertaining, but still stupid.

Anyways, what an uneventful day, at least I got to come home early.

I really should start blogging in the real sense of letting daily events inspire me to write about something, rather than just creating logs about daily events.

Haha how fun, blog wars. Stupid shits.

Had a nice group (the usual guys, Alvin, Alson, Jeremy, Isaac, Marvin) chat with Mr Lawrence over lunch today, just talked about life in general, from Singapore as a whole, to NYJC culture, about happiness, goals in life, economics, priorities, motivations, experiences, et cetera. Could really agree with and relate to some of the stuff he and my friends said - and just a note, hanging out with them is really the only time I don't feel dumb in Nanyang. And yes, I also think Mr Lawrence is a pretty damn cool teacher, maybe a little casual and temperamental, but that's just who he is, almost reminds me of Joseph Wong, only without the "gayness". Okok shan't slander people on my blog. =P

So yea, GP lecture was a total waste of time again, teaching grammar you should've learnt in Primary Six. I think the word to describe such a situation is sad. Furthermore, the lecturer couldn't even speak proper English. I mean, even if you write good essays, what use is it if the way you speak is pretty much... shit? I'm not boasting or anything, but I really wonder how she could've possibly graduated from NIE to go on to teach a paper centred around the English language. I digress, so yes there is a reason why other junior colleges have no GP lectures, it's because as JC students you should have already gained independence and initiative to find out stuff on your own. GP teaches you skills, the content is all up to you, I find it totally redundant and stupid to be "teaching" students topics like Terrorism (or telling them to improve their vocabulary) when they probably don't care anyway. Ah Whatever I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Anyways, watched Black Adder during history tutorial. Typical British humour, great stuff. We're gonna watch it for lecture tomorrow too. Yeah it's all fun, but does anyone actually remember that we have block tests in two weeks' time?

Study, Iraqi Soldier
Watercolour on paper
(Click for detail)

Was reading this art book Timeless Jiangnan, and the watercolour paintings inspired me to do something.

Yes yes I know its nothing much, but this is like, my second time using watercolours since I was... eight? And first time on a subject that I'm interested in. So, yea. It also would've been bigger and included the other guys on the pickup truck if I had TIME. Ok no pun intended, but just so you know the source picture is from Newsweek.

Would someone buy me a camera and/or scanner?

The "about" page is up, you can find the link on the top of this page, nothing really personal, more of a "bio" actually, if you really want to know how I've been wasting my life for the past 4 years, click and read.

Wasn't feeling too well and didn't go to school today, turns out I didn't miss much at all, with the usual stuff with Econs, no History, crap in GP, and nothing important with AEP, that leaves my CLAO results, which, I must add, I am not very keen on knowing anyway.

A lot that's been happening recently have got me wondering about plans; O level results, A level results, stuff happening in class. What are my plans for the future? Yesterday Ms Lye commented jokingly after I handed her another edit of the brochure that, "gosh you should be doing design or something, I don't know what you're doing in JC"; my reply, "I don't know either".

In days of yore; from Western shores
Oldham dauntless hero came
and planted a Beacon of Truth and Light
in this island of the Main
here may it stand from year to year
emblem of grand endeavour
the regions round echo the sound
of ACS forever

Our students hail; from China's plains
and the land of Rising Sun
we have many sons from India's strands
and the islands of the Main
Our hearts, our hopes, our aims are one
no discord e'er will sever
we'll stand together for the cause
of ACS forever

I just had to.

Perhaps I may not love my alma mater as much if I were still in it, maybe I hang on to this thread of connection simply for the purpose of proclaiming that I was part of something great amidst resentment of reality; perhaps, maybe, so what? Does it really matter? Does it make me fake? Do I do this to look down on people? No, I do it because it truly is a damn great school, and I thank God that I spent a good part of my life in it, I also think you should just stop reading my blog if you think otherwise.

And in case you're dying for artwork, here's some nonsense I've been working on for school:

Frottage
Photoshop 7 Postcard Design (version for electronic distribution)
(Click to enlarge)

I just haven't had time for anything else (other than mod texture work), though if you'd like to see old stuff, please say and I can post them when I feel like it. Or I could just get a gallery up...